What Introverts Want You To Know, But Might Not Tell You

...or, what extroverts need to know about (and can learn from) introverts

Two of my friends went through divorces at roughly the same time. Marianne made daily calls to each friend in her circle to hash out the details and talked with her sister for hours. Patricia went on long walks by herself, only confiding in a couple of close friends after she'd had a chance to think things over.

Patricia's family worried about her - surely it wasn't normal or healthy, spending that much time alone during a crisis? What I wish I could have told them is that "normal" depends on who you are. Marianne is an extrovert; she processes events by talking them out. Patricia, on the other hand, is an introvert who processes by thinking them out.

It has always seemed to me that many misunderstandings arise from differences in temperament and personality. According to the official stats in almost every pop psych book I've read, introverts are in the minority in the U.S. (although in certain other countries, including Japan, they're the majority, which makes me wonder how much of our personalities are due to cultural expectations). Since I'm one of them, I decided to offer some pointers on how to understand us. And since I'm married to an extrovert, I can also give a few communication tips to introverts based on what's worked.

Good to Know:

• Introverts are often mistaken for being shy or lonely. However, quietness and shyness aren't the same thing. We might not be the most chatty people in the room but we're not afraid of talking to people in general.
• If an introvert friend or partner tells you that she needs some space, she's not putting you off. Intros have a lower point of saturation when it comes to noise, stimuli and chitchat. Fifteen minutes at the mall the Friday after Thanksgiving would drive me screaming to the parking lot; a few of my extrovert friends love the crowds and chaos.
  
• Every intro I've every known, myself included, needs some solitude every day. Without it we get cranky. Personally, I can't process the day's events when someone's talking incessantly or with TV in the background. That's why many of us defend whatever private space we may have, no matter how small. I have a friend who's kept her car even though her partner wants her to sell it so they can be a one-car household; her car is often the only available place she can go for solo time.
• Our silence is often mistaken for 1) being available to listen, 2) not having an opinion on the subject at hand or 3) agreeing with the speaker. Again, not necessarily true. We just prefer to get plenty of information and think up the best possible response before delivering it.

What Introverts Can Contribute (If We're Allowed!)

• In a group, an introvert may be the person most keyed in to others' moods and to group undercurrents, aspects of group work that a committee chair or department manager (often an extro) might not notice. Often it's the below-surface interpersonal stuff, not a specific task, that causes problems. If someone appears quiet but observant, it pays to ask her what's up.
• Intros take longer to make decisions but we think things through carefully. And most of us are good communicators once we decide what to say - we get to the point but are generally careful of others' feelings.
• Intros often have right-on observations about what's happening, whether they're on the job or off. Some intros watch rather than participate, and so see things others miss. And people often talk to us simply because we listen.
• An intro might not have thousands of friends, but his friendships are deep and loyal. This extends to bonds within any group or workplace.

How Introverts Can Help Extroverts Relate

• Don't expect others to guess what's going on in your head. If someone's pressing you for an answer you're not ready to give, just say "I usually need a day or so to think about stuff like this. I'll get back to you." If you arrive home from work exhausted and don't feel up to listening to a chatty extro family member, say "I need to chill out first - how about meeting up in fifteen minutes?"
  
• If you don't agree with someone but don't want to engage in a debate, use "We'll have to agree to disagree." It lets your listener know that your opinion differs but you're not interested in arguing. I love this line - it's the best way I've found to prevent Doormat Syndrome.
• Make an effort to speak up if you feel strongly about something. At first you might feel (and be treated) like wallpaper, especially if you have a history of silence. But after awhile it gets easier.