For Something New, Try Something Old - A Letter

During the past month or so, circumstances were making me feel somewhat disconnected from people and activities important to me. Work pulled me away from gatherings, friends seemed to be dropping off the face of the earth, and my book group disbanded. It seemed as though everyone was struggling just to stay afloat at work & at home; we just couldn't make time to get together. A few especially inundated friends didn't even have time to check personal email.

Twenty-five years ago, I'd write letters (on paper!) to friends I missed or wanted to catch up, and counted myself fortunate when I received 2-3 letters a week in return. Now I wonder what's happened whenever a FB friend doesn't post something daily. The snail mail letters were a treat, something to anticipate upon coming home after a long day of work. I don't feel the same way about email or social media, even when I use it to chat with friends rather than for business.

I realized that one way to thank friends for their friendship, offer support during hard times and share things we'd both enjoy would be to start sending letters again. Unlike during my teens & 20s, the ability to send email for mundane purposes means that letter writing can be saved for special circumstances. Also, the fact that so few of us get anything in our mailboxes anymore apart from junk mail means that a letter in an envelope addressed in handwriting will stand out.

Out of curiosity I did web research on the general state of letter writing in 2011, and found several organizations that link writers up with pen pals. Email is an option but many participants prefer postal mail and - surprisingly, to me - not all of them are my age & older. One of them reports a recent resurgence in membership, perhaps reflecting a renewed interest in the lost art of letter-writing.

I then looked through the library's catalog for materials on letter-writing and found several recent (within the last 5 years) how-to books that covered various social and business situations as well as simple friendship letters. In one of them New York designer Kate Spade wrote in her 2004 book Manners that she didn't bother with a cell phone or at-home email until she had a child in day care, and that she still prefers letters to email. And a host of online mail order businesses offer quality paper, pens and even ink for those who like to use fountain pens.

So. The art of letter-writing isn't dead after all. It's just sort of gone underground, like other "retro" activities such as cocktail parties. I'll add my small effort to the revival by digging out my old Cross pen, finding a decent piece of paper and writing to someone this week.

What Introverts Want You To Know, But Might Not Tell You

...or, what extroverts need to know about (and can learn from) introverts

Two of my friends went through divorces at roughly the same time. Marianne made daily calls to each friend in her circle to hash out the details and talked with her sister for hours. Patricia went on long walks by herself, only confiding in a couple of close friends after she'd had a chance to think things over.

Patricia's family worried about her - surely it wasn't normal or healthy, spending that much time alone during a crisis? What I wish I could have told them is that "normal" depends on who you are. Marianne is an extrovert; she processes events by talking them out. Patricia, on the other hand, is an introvert who processes by thinking them out.

It has always seemed to me that many misunderstandings arise from differences in temperament and personality. According to the official stats in almost every pop psych book I've read, introverts are in the minority in the U.S. (although in certain other countries, including Japan, they're the majority, which makes me wonder how much of our personalities are due to cultural expectations). Since I'm one of them, I decided to offer some pointers on how to understand us. And since I'm married to an extrovert, I can also give a few communication tips to introverts based on what's worked.

Good to Know:

• Introverts are often mistaken for being shy or lonely. However, quietness and shyness aren't the same thing. We might not be the most chatty people in the room but we're not afraid of talking to people in general.
• If an introvert friend or partner tells you that she needs some space, she's not putting you off. Intros have a lower point of saturation when it comes to noise, stimuli and chitchat. Fifteen minutes at the mall the Friday after Thanksgiving would drive me screaming to the parking lot; a few of my extrovert friends love the crowds and chaos.
  
• Every intro I've every known, myself included, needs some solitude every day. Without it we get cranky. Personally, I can't process the day's events when someone's talking incessantly or with TV in the background. That's why many of us defend whatever private space we may have, no matter how small. I have a friend who's kept her car even though her partner wants her to sell it so they can be a one-car household; her car is often the only available place she can go for solo time.
• Our silence is often mistaken for 1) being available to listen, 2) not having an opinion on the subject at hand or 3) agreeing with the speaker. Again, not necessarily true. We just prefer to get plenty of information and think up the best possible response before delivering it.

What Introverts Can Contribute (If We're Allowed!)

• In a group, an introvert may be the person most keyed in to others' moods and to group undercurrents, aspects of group work that a committee chair or department manager (often an extro) might not notice. Often it's the below-surface interpersonal stuff, not a specific task, that causes problems. If someone appears quiet but observant, it pays to ask her what's up.
• Intros take longer to make decisions but we think things through carefully. And most of us are good communicators once we decide what to say - we get to the point but are generally careful of others' feelings.
• Intros often have right-on observations about what's happening, whether they're on the job or off. Some intros watch rather than participate, and so see things others miss. And people often talk to us simply because we listen.
• An intro might not have thousands of friends, but his friendships are deep and loyal. This extends to bonds within any group or workplace.

How Introverts Can Help Extroverts Relate

• Don't expect others to guess what's going on in your head. If someone's pressing you for an answer you're not ready to give, just say "I usually need a day or so to think about stuff like this. I'll get back to you." If you arrive home from work exhausted and don't feel up to listening to a chatty extro family member, say "I need to chill out first - how about meeting up in fifteen minutes?"
  
• If you don't agree with someone but don't want to engage in a debate, use "We'll have to agree to disagree." It lets your listener know that your opinion differs but you're not interested in arguing. I love this line - it's the best way I've found to prevent Doormat Syndrome.
• Make an effort to speak up if you feel strongly about something. At first you might feel (and be treated) like wallpaper, especially if you have a history of silence. But after awhile it gets easier.