Every year the local paper publishes a special guide to local summer activities for kids - camps, classes & activities at places like the library or Y. All the activities sound fun. But there are so many that it would be possible to fill a kid's schedule from dawn till nightfall every day. And some parents try to do this - I know because for several brief summers I was one of them.
Ten to fifteen years ago there was a prevalent parenting notion that said "left to their own devices, kids will naturally gravitate towards trouble. Keeping them busy is the only solution." Coupled with the previous decade's trend towards trying to produce superachievers, this encouraged a generation of moms to become micromanagers.
Micromanaging our kids creates several problems: they don't learn the real-life skills of time management and we become frustrated and frazzled. Saddest of all, the kids miss out on some of the greatest pleasures of childhood - impromptu play with whoever happens to be around, making up games and imaginary worlds as they go along.
Kids need unstructured play time just as adults need "down" time. And any parent who is at home with a pack of kids all day needs time to herself as well. Sometimes the best way to arrange this, as I finally discovered, is to invite a few well-behaved kids over for the afternoon and turn the backyard over to them. Provide free things like boxes that can be made into forts. Let them take favorite toys outside. Set out a big bowl of popcorn and jug of kool-aid.
Another option is taking them to a large public park. Let them play freely while you indulge in a "summer read" book.
During the past few years I've met an increasing number of parents who are opting out of summer teams sports, June-August camps and expensive "enrichment" activities all summer so that the whole family can enjoy a slower pace. Maybe mainstream culture is ready to step back from helicoptering and admit that when kids are allowed to manage themselves, they often do just fine.
Letting kids make some of their own choices allows them to exercise independence while giving the adult in charge a much-needed break.
Showing posts with label self-reliant kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-reliant kids. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Parenting Outside the Lines
Nowhere did I feel more out of sync with those around me than my new-mom days almost 20 years ago. We still lived in the homogeneous suburb into which we'd landed when we moved back to the Northwest. All around me, other mothers of young children were loading up minivans and SUVs with kid paraphernalia whenever they went anywhere...enrolling their offspring in every enrichment activity that could be crammed into the schedule... "staying home" so that they could spend their days chauffeuring kids all over creation...and buying stuff for the kids. Lots of stuff.
My husband Tom worked as an assistant in a school district program for the children of farm workers. People who work with low-income Spanish speakers don't make lots of money themselves, so I always had to work as well. During an era when staying home was trendy (rather than being seen as one choice among many), this automatically downscaled me. So did not having the kidstuff and the minivan in which to cram it. My then-teenage stepson resented our "poor" lifestyle.
The problem was that his dad and I didn't feel poor. The house was small but comfortable. We ate well, mostly because we grew many of our own vegetables and we both cook. We found plenty of free and cheap things to do on weekends. Best of all, we were both extremely fit and could walk everywhere. Why would anyone feel sorry for us?
We moved into a downtown neighborhood, boy #1 graduated and left for college, and boy #2 went through school. In this neighborhood our thrifty habits and anti-career jobs weren't out of place. However, another way of being the Very Oddmother presented itself. This was during the late 1990s through about 2005, when the frenzy of "scheduled family hyperactivity" reached its height, along with the glorification of the Helicopter Mom. Any woman who didn't spend every waking minute helping her children be all that they could be was a slacker.
Tom didn't want to give up hiking, I chose to keep on writing and neither of us thought that excusing kids from household work in order to facilitate soccer superstardom provided good role modeling. We made a family rule: each of us could have two activities. Each member gets some of what he wants, but no one gets everything he wants. And all family members contribute to the smooth functioning of the household via useful work (usually called Chores).
Both boys had to earn a certain percentage of expensive wish-list items, such as electronics, by saving allowance, doing yardwork around the neighborhood or eventually, getting a part time job. At age 12, Noel bought his Xbox after saving for nearly 16 months (we paid roughly one-third the cost).
Some of my collegues in the PTSA and other parent groups seemed shocked by this, and by the limits we set on extracurricular activities. But to me, it makes sense: part of the job of parents is to prepare children for adult life, and kids won't be prepared if they don't have basic life skills.
Parenting outside the lines means challenging some basic North American practices:
My husband Tom worked as an assistant in a school district program for the children of farm workers. People who work with low-income Spanish speakers don't make lots of money themselves, so I always had to work as well. During an era when staying home was trendy (rather than being seen as one choice among many), this automatically downscaled me. So did not having the kidstuff and the minivan in which to cram it. My then-teenage stepson resented our "poor" lifestyle.
The problem was that his dad and I didn't feel poor. The house was small but comfortable. We ate well, mostly because we grew many of our own vegetables and we both cook. We found plenty of free and cheap things to do on weekends. Best of all, we were both extremely fit and could walk everywhere. Why would anyone feel sorry for us?
We moved into a downtown neighborhood, boy #1 graduated and left for college, and boy #2 went through school. In this neighborhood our thrifty habits and anti-career jobs weren't out of place. However, another way of being the Very Oddmother presented itself. This was during the late 1990s through about 2005, when the frenzy of "scheduled family hyperactivity" reached its height, along with the glorification of the Helicopter Mom. Any woman who didn't spend every waking minute helping her children be all that they could be was a slacker.
Tom didn't want to give up hiking, I chose to keep on writing and neither of us thought that excusing kids from household work in order to facilitate soccer superstardom provided good role modeling. We made a family rule: each of us could have two activities. Each member gets some of what he wants, but no one gets everything he wants. And all family members contribute to the smooth functioning of the household via useful work (usually called Chores).
Both boys had to earn a certain percentage of expensive wish-list items, such as electronics, by saving allowance, doing yardwork around the neighborhood or eventually, getting a part time job. At age 12, Noel bought his Xbox after saving for nearly 16 months (we paid roughly one-third the cost).
Some of my collegues in the PTSA and other parent groups seemed shocked by this, and by the limits we set on extracurricular activities. But to me, it makes sense: part of the job of parents is to prepare children for adult life, and kids won't be prepared if they don't have basic life skills.
Parenting outside the lines means challenging some basic North American practices:
- Excusing kids from work at home so that they can devote all their time to superachieving at school.
- Buying something simply because all the "it" kids have it.
- Driving kids everywhere when bicycling, walking, taking the city bus or carpooling are options.
- Mistaking good grades for signs of learning or high test scores for evidence of intelligence.
- Insistently railroading all kids towards "college" (the 4-year university) even when the child's interests and abilities lie elsewhere, such as in the trades.
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