Slow Lane: A Sort of Sabbath

(Labor Day 2010)

This morning I took the dog out for a walk and noticed that a number of the small businesses along upper Main street are closed on Labor Day. Good for them. Although a few would-be customers might be disappointed, I find it nice to think that the employees get to spend the day off with their families.

Until recently, this kind of thinking was definitely an outside-the-lines zone in mainstream U.S. culture. We were supposed to believe that a 24/7/365 Business as Usual policy is desirable. It ostensibly creates much-needed jobs, boosts the economy and makes life more convenient for all of us.

But a funny thing happened to some of us when we tried to live this way. As I compare notes with fellow Boomers, we've noticed several patterns that emerged alongside convenience culture.

For one thing, nonessential tasks became "urgent" simply because we had the means to accomplish them immediately; the world wouldn't end if we didn't run out and get more peanut butter that night, but since stores were open round the clock, we felt like we should go out.

A side effect of this constant availability has been that many of us don't plan well. My mom and dad raised six kids, yet I don't remember either of them running to the store every single day. Maybe since businesses had shorter hours 30-40 years ago, people developed better time management skills than we do now.

Another effect of 24/7 was that the quality of our relationships deteriorated. A friend recently noted that with every new "convenience" she seems to add another item to her to-do list, and this has given her less time to simply be with family and friends.

Electronic conveniences even provide a way to "chat" 24/7. I've noticed that for myself, email and Facebook have provided convenient ways to stay in basic touch with people and get work done. However, checking both sometimes feels like just another task on an overloaded plate - plus, coming from enthusiasts, there is sometimes an expectation that I'll answer every message within the hour. None of these interactions take the place of a real live F2F visit; however, having 700 "friends" on Facebook can lead us to think that we're part of a community.

Finally, we noticed that we always felt tired. Getting up in the morning was becoming harder. Could it be that our constant doing was wearing us out?

Five years ago I decided to experiment with having a personal sabbath day. The idea of a day of rest isn't limited to people who belong to an organized religion - anyone can create one. Each of us can decide what "rest" means. For example, I don't go grocery shopping, fill up the tank or check email on days of rest, because those tasks feel like work. However, I'll weed the garden if I want, or cook a good meal. Every so often, my household has an electronics-free day - no email, social networks, phone or TV. We talk to each other instead.

What would you do (or not do) on your day of rest?

Odd One Out

What about when you're the odd one out at your workplace? Maybe it's because your political or religious beliefs don't mesh with everyone around you, because you live differently or because your family background sets you apart. Whatever the reason, if your differences are a major issue for your co-workers and the corporate culture in your workplace discourages openness, feeling out of place can make your work difficult.

There are things you can do to make it easier:

• Have a vibrant life outside of the job. Cultivate friendships and family relationships, delve into outside interests, find community activities or join groups. For me, this has been a lifesaver at times.
• See if there is one person at work who seems a little more open than everyone else. If she seems receptive, approach her for advice or help in small work-related matters.
  
• Keep track of your contributions to various projects. Make sure that even if you're left out of the loop, your work is beyond criticism.
• Keep encouraging items around you - photos, something from home, an item or picture that represents a dream you have, such as starting your own business.
• Have rewards planned, both short-term (the end of your workweek) and long-term (sticking with the job for a year).
• Poll your friends and networks outside your job - has anyone you know experienced this problem? How did they handle it? Are they interested in forming a support group (F2F or virtual)?
  
• See yourself as the person who could bring a breath of fresh air to your workplace. Even if the atmosphere is so uncongenial that you plan to move on as soon as possible, you might be the one to put a crack in the wall.
• If the environment is oppressive, start a job search campaign even if times are tough. The search itself will help you feel as though you're moving forward even if you don't produce noticeable results immediately.
  

Your Mission, Should You Choose To Accept It...

During a long drive to an event, a colleague confessed to me that although he'd been working with our group for a number of years, he still didn't feel as if he belonged. All the members were basically friendly, yet there seemed to be an impenetrable bond between longtime members that made it difficult for new people to feel included. His words struck a chord with me. I had been working with this group for nearly a decade and had similar experiences.

As we discussed what we might do about this, I remembered something I'd read during the past week. I'd picked up an interesting book from the shelving cart at the library Pronoia is the Antidote to Paranoia: How the Universe is Conspiring to Shower You With Blessings by Rob Breszny. The title sounded intriguing so I took it home.

The book is packed with ways to turn mundane life into a magical journey. The idea that jumped out at me is one Breszny calls "The Secret Job Title." He invites each reader to choose a special contribution to bring to the job and carry it out each day. Our official job titles - Sales Associate, Receptionist, Teacher - are conferred upon us by our employers. Secret job titles - Listener, Healer, Energizer, Court Jester - are totally up to us. Choosing a value to embody or service to provide breathes new life into tired tasks. And the secrecy element adds a subversive thrill; your fire-breathing dragon of a coworker or manager doesn't know that there's a Peacemaker working behind the scenes to put out fires.

In the car, I suddenly had one of those rare synchronistic moments when it all came together. In this group, in a committee I'd been co-chairing and at my son's school I'd noticed how cliquish behavior was preventing members from doing their best work, driving new members away and generating bad feelings all around. I'd seen it happen in PTA committees, volunteer efforts, church choirs, book groups and at work. Over the past year "Cliques v. Inclusion" had become a constant theme.

My own secret job title popped out in front of me, wrapped, tied with a bow and ready to go: Inclusion Specialist.

I wrote out a job description. It included helping newcomers to any group of which I was a member feel welcome by soliciting their input and showing them the ropes. Where exclusion seemed accidental, I could gently prod the excluders towards widening the circle. When I suspected that the big chill was intentional, I'd challenge the behavior in as non-threatening a manner as possible. And if full inclusion was being hampered by the existence of a tight inner circle, I could create an alternative for the outsiders.

Being an Inclusion Specialist hasn't eliminated all the problems involved in working with groups, and having a secret job hasn't miraculously zapped occasional boredom. However, it has given me a sense of purpose I can take to any activity.

Having a secret mission is especially empowering during the dark times we all go through. Chronic discouragement from working in a disheartening environment can turn a creative mind into a dismal echo chamber that runs endless tape loops: "No one appreciates me...why do I bother...things'll never change." Having a special purpose helps us take our focus off ourselves, gets us out of our own heads and into a place where we can make a difference.

An acquaintance who has been looking for work for nearly a year found out that when he decided to act as an Encourager for his fellow job hunters at the state employment office, his own situation changed. He feels better about himself and apparently this comes across to employers. This week he's had a second interview at a place he admires.

Having a secret job or mission doesn't cost a thing. It doesn't require extra training, meetings, software upgrades, a new image or PR campaigns. Best of all, secret missions are portable. We can take them anywhere and in doing so, we transform not only our world but ourselves.

No OT Please!

Throughout the years that we had one young child and sometimes a teenager at home, my husband and I both worked outside the home. Since we didn't want to miss the fleeting childhood years, we both tried to keep work in its proper place. We mostly succeeded, but sometimes it was hard.

When my son was still a toddler, I had a 4-month temp stint with a local governmental agency. I'd been working there about 16 hpw, running a home business and taking care of things at home. One December day my supervisor informed me that since all her secretaries were going on vacation the week after Christmas, she needed me there full time. I explained to her that I ran a business at home as well and had more work than I could handle at the moment. Although I didn't say it aloud, I remember thinking that she'd given me less than 2 days' notice for this abrupt change. She simply said "I need you here." As if that was the only consideration.

Now, nearly 20 years later, I'm more assertive than I was back then. Today I'd say "no." But that year I worked 60 hours the week after Christmas and missed several important family events.

If work gets out of balance it skews the overall quality of life. Learning to say "no" is hard but not impossible. When I look back on my experience, I realize that I could have legitimately turned down my boss's request since she hadn't given me enough notice. She could have called in another temp for that week. The world would not have come to an end.

These days I'm clear about how much I'm willing to give to each activity, and I let the people in charge know my limits. That way, we start off without any misunderstandings. Whenever you're about to start a new venture, whether it's a job, volunteer commitment or project, take a moment to decide how much time you're able to give it, and when. Clarify your availability during the interview. It greatly decreases the chance of miscommunication.

work v. Work

Many of us who feel out of step with popular culture have a different vision of work. The predominant idea goes something like this: go to college, pick a major, get your first "real" job, make good, move up. But what if your idea of a satisfying life encompasses more than what you do for a living?

I call this the work v. Work dilemma. Work with a capital "W" includes what you believe to be your purpose in life. At various times in your life, Work might include raising kids and managing a household, organizing a community endeavor, working on a cause or making art. If you have a passion for it, no job, however good, will be enough. It's imperative that you find a way to fit your life's work into your schedule on a regular basis. For ideas on how to do this, check out these resources:

• Barbara Sher was helping people live their dreams long before the idea of life coaching was invented. If you haven't read Wishcraft, get ahold of it now. She's written a number of other helpful books, runs telecourses and workshops and has several websites. Check out http://www.barbarasher.com/
• Margaret Lobenstine specializes in helping the people she calls "Renaissance Souls," those who have many interests or passions and who don't want to limit themselves to one. Her book The Renaissance Soul has an expecially helpful section on making the most of your day job. Go to http://www.togetunstuck.com/about.htm

Even if you've successfully integrated Work and work, convincing the people you work with can be a challenge. If your office is filled with single-focus careerists, working overtime might be considered normal. Co-workers may not understand why you aren't applying for promotions that would entail longer hours and therefore less time for your Work. I'll look at some ways to deal with this next. I welcome any ideas.