Counteracting Meanness

This past fall our 18-year old weathered some pretty nasty "stuff" at school. As is the case with a lot of kids who end up at the receiving end of rumoring, one of the root issues was differentness. Even half a year after the incident, he was still getting mean-spirited messages from the one of the students who started the rumor. It's been challenging for me to convince him that responding in kind isn't cool; if I were in his place, I would have been tempted to snipe back as well.

Since that time I've been thinking about people who do mean things: what makes them tick? Are there ways to disarm them? What can you do if someone seems to have a burr in his saddle about you, and you can't totally avoid them (as with kids at school)? Is there anything adults can do to stop the spread of toxic sludge like gossip campaigns on social network sites? Above all, is there a way to teach kids how to deflect bullying without turning into mean people themselves?

While researching I came upon this piece by Martha Beck, life coach and author:
http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Martha-Beck-Why-People-Are-Mean

The article gives some useful tools for anyone who encounters mean behavior. I've also experimented with a few tactics:

• Make a list of people you admire who've encountered harassment, bullying or other unfairness but have come through with their spirits intact. The list can include public figures (Oprah's on mine) but the focus should be on personal acquaintances. When I did this, I was amazed at how many of the best people I know were targets of mean behavior at some point in their lives. They didn't let it define them. You don't have to, either.
• If you're having a hard time letting go of particular memories - my son had nightmares for several months - try reframing the way you tell the story to yourself. Old myths and fairy tales can give you some ideas: I particularly liked "Scar Clan" from Women Who run With the Wolves.
• After it's all over and you're processing what happened, approach the problem like a scientific investigator or anthropologist studying a strange new species: who is this person and why do you think she's doing this to you?

People who live outside the lines are sometimes hassles by those who are threatened by differences, but one instance at a time, we can change how our society deals (or doesn't deal) with this. In doing so, maybe we can even raise the behavioral bar for everyone.