Living Outside the Lines: Speaking Out Against Cruelty

The news is always full of shocking or sobering stories but the ones that always grab me first are the ones about young people driven to desperation by cruelty. This week's reports about Jamey Rodemeyer, the 14 year-old victim of bullying who took his own life. What especially has especially struck me as I read this and similar stories is how extreme bullying has become. This is probably partly because social media can enable harassment in ways that were not available when I was a kid.

However, it also seems to me that our culture is going through one of those times when cruelty is acceptable and mean-spiritedness is a virtue. How can we expect kids to respect each other when the adults around them, including political and media figures, regularly make hateful statements about those who are different from them?

As a kid I tended to be what educators now call a bystander; I was among the kids who knew that social cruelty was wrong but didn't say anything when I saw it happening to classmates. I now wish that the adults in my life had taught me - no, all of us kids - how to speak up.

In school kids often choose to be bystanders because they're afraid of the possible consequences of speaking up, including being ostracized or ridiculed. But I find that as an adult it can still a be challenge to speak out against racism or other injustices. The current tide goes against generosity and civility.

However, living outside the lines often entails going outside the comfort zone. During times when hate is tolerated, uncomfortable is the right thing to be.

Counteracting Meanness

This past fall our 18-year old weathered some pretty nasty "stuff" at school. As is the case with a lot of kids who end up at the receiving end of rumoring, one of the root issues was differentness. Even half a year after the incident, he was still getting mean-spirited messages from the one of the students who started the rumor. It's been challenging for me to convince him that responding in kind isn't cool; if I were in his place, I would have been tempted to snipe back as well.

Since that time I've been thinking about people who do mean things: what makes them tick? Are there ways to disarm them? What can you do if someone seems to have a burr in his saddle about you, and you can't totally avoid them (as with kids at school)? Is there anything adults can do to stop the spread of toxic sludge like gossip campaigns on social network sites? Above all, is there a way to teach kids how to deflect bullying without turning into mean people themselves?

While researching I came upon this piece by Martha Beck, life coach and author:
http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Martha-Beck-Why-People-Are-Mean

The article gives some useful tools for anyone who encounters mean behavior. I've also experimented with a few tactics:

• Make a list of people you admire who've encountered harassment, bullying or other unfairness but have come through with their spirits intact. The list can include public figures (Oprah's on mine) but the focus should be on personal acquaintances. When I did this, I was amazed at how many of the best people I know were targets of mean behavior at some point in their lives. They didn't let it define them. You don't have to, either.
• If you're having a hard time letting go of particular memories - my son had nightmares for several months - try reframing the way you tell the story to yourself. Old myths and fairy tales can give you some ideas: I particularly liked "Scar Clan" from Women Who run With the Wolves.
• After it's all over and you're processing what happened, approach the problem like a scientific investigator or anthropologist studying a strange new species: who is this person and why do you think she's doing this to you?

People who live outside the lines are sometimes hassles by those who are threatened by differences, but one instance at a time, we can change how our society deals (or doesn't deal) with this. In doing so, maybe we can even raise the behavioral bar for everyone.