A2D

Summer is the time for class reunions and other events involving getting together with large numbers of people you might not see often. You may have been close at one time but grew apart over the years. Or you might be part of the same extended family but never quite saw eye-to-eye. Judging from the vast amount of literature - books, magazines, websites - on managing social or family-related holiday stress, a lot of people feel trepidation over these gatherings. Much of the stress seems to come from ongoing disagreements over lifestyle, politics, religion and other personal choices.

Although I haven't experienced the intense ongoing conflict that friends have described to me, I've been through a fair number of incidents where I felt uncomfortable and unsure how to respond. During one large event, one person arrived so amped up by a political cause she'd joined that she forced the topic into every conversation, loudly and aggressively. I had the sense that she was (perhaps subconsciously) looking for an argument, and I didn't feel like obliging her. Nor did I want her to leave the event with the impression that everyone felt the same way, which was what would happen if no one spoke up. At a smaller gathering, about 10 of us were sitting around the table, and someone made a statement about a certain group of people in a manner that implied we all agreed.

Both times I was stuck for words. It wasn't until my son, age 12 at the time, confessed to me that he'd had an argument with a cousin over religious beliefs that I decided to come up with better ways to deal with disagreement than either fighting or staying silent. After a lot of experimenting, I've noticed that one simple sentence does the trick most of the time: "We'll have to agree to disagree." I call it A2D.

A2D works because it lets the person pushing the envelope know that you don't agree but that you're not willing to duke it out. Of course, if you enjoy loud debates and stirring things up, it's not an issue. But if you'd rather spend precious time with friends or relatives enjoying their company, it's your right to refuse to argue. It's also your right to be treated respectfully. A2D is the most effective one-liner I've found that gets this message across.

Before heading out to another "do," I coached my son on various ways to respond to aggressive or hostile exchanges arising from differences of opinion. We rehearsed A2D and other scenarios. He felt more confident after that.

People who live outside the lines are especially susceptible to feeling like outsiders within their own family or school. Using A2D eliminates some of the stress engendered by feeling as though you have to defend who you are.