(Note: I wrote this piece for a certain occasion, not for this blog. It doesn't exactly fit the theme of living outside the lines...then again, maybe civility is enough of an "endangered species" to qualify.)
Last fall, a local student received a short term suspension from school for engaging in a shouting match with a classmate. When he returned to school, he was required to participate in counselor-mediated sessions with the classmate and devise an anger management plan.
Later that week, a grown man from the area was lauded by Tea Party types for his over-the-edge rant at a town hall meeting. He received free publicity via YouTube, with encouragement to run for office.
What's the difference between the two cases? I don't see any. Bad behavior is bad behavior, whether the tantrum is thrown by a toddler, a teen or an adult.
It's hard for me to explain to my teenage son why anger management is a good thing when media personalities such as Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck get paid millions to rant on air. Or why elementary school-style name-calling is considered immature in his case, but not for Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin. Or why Dr. Laura and Michael Moore are allowed to routinely use epithets like "idiot" and "stupid," but he and his peers aren't. Use of abrasive language crosses political and gender lines; while ultracons are the currently the most visible (or audible) , they certainly aren't the only group guilty of trash talk.
When I've had to reprimand kids (my own or students) for losing their cool in public, I give the speech that adults are supposed to give: trash talk is wrong regardless of who's doing it; rants say more about the ranter than the target; right action eventually provides its own reward. But he isn't buying it anymore, and I don't blame him.
Young people are better at seeing through hypocrisy than most adults realize. This should make all of us over 25 profoundly uncomfortable. Yet in all the media-driven discussions about our supposedly disrespectful youth culture, I've never heard anyone point out that maybe kids hurl insults, push each other around or solve problems with fists because they observe adults getting away with aggression.
A small percentage of the population in any society is cursed with a short fuse but most societies don't see this as a virtue. It seems to me that an increasing number of Americans do. Being angry makes us special. It gives us permission to disrupt events, be rude to customer service providers, threaten teachers, punch the referee or call anyone who disagrees with us an idiot.
Righteous anger even gives a few people permission to kill. When anger stems from political or religious extremism, bad behavior takes on a frightening tinge. Like the Viking berserkers who ate psychotropic mushrooms before going into battle, someone raising holy hell is beyond the reach of reason or restraint; their zeal acts like a drug. How many parents would want a troubled teen to emulate Timothy McVeigh? Yet when we grant celebrity status to people who threaten violence, like the guy who posted the Obama assasination site on Facebook, it looks like approval to an attention-hungry kid.
We need to get a grip on ourselves or we won't have anything to offer kids who are angry, confused and hurting. As with any public issue, it starts at home but has to move into larger society eventually. This might entail challenging inflammatory statements or refusing to fuel certain conversations - situations that make mild-mannered, easygoing people like me uncomfortable. But if we don't act, who will?
Not long ago I was at a conference. Six or seven of us stood around making small talk about current events. One participant cracked a joke with ugly racial overtones about the President, coupled with hints of violence. The punch line hung in the air for a moment, probably because the rest of us were too dumbfounded to respond. Then one of my colleagues - a staunch Republican, by the way - said, "That's not funny."
Speaking up like she did takes courage. But if those of us who are concerned about civility and what the future holds for our kids don't stick out our necks, we have no grounds on which to judge young people for disrespectful behavior. It's time to take out the trash - before we bury ourselves in it.
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