Since I was never able to stay at home to raise kids (I had a day care business but this isn't "at home" - it's often more work than a job and you don't often spend time with your own kids) I never did the FT Volunteer Mom thing. I remember, though, feeling a little resentful of moms who camped out in the volunteer center - they raised the ante to a level to which wage-earning moms could never aspire. The elementary school our family went through was, and probably still is, a good school but like every other organization, it takes what it can get. There were a few times when a particular child would be given a special privilege or reward for no apparent reason other than the fact that Mom put in 80 hours that week. It's not supposed to happen but of course, organizations being run by imperfect humans, it does.
Even given the elevated status of gold-star school superfamilies, I don't think I would have been a FT Volunteer Mom even if I'd been able to "stay home" - the life offers too little time at home.
And after reading this article, I believe I made the right decision for me. I'd bet a lot of other parents out there feel the same way.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/02/garden/02parents.html?src=me&ref=general
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
What Introverts Want You To Know, But Might Not Tell You
...or, what extroverts need to know about (and can learn from) introverts
Two of my friends went through divorces at roughly the same time. Marianne made daily calls to each friend in her circle to hash out the details and talked with her sister for hours. Patricia went on long walks by herself, only confiding in a couple of close friends after she'd had a chance to think things over.
Patricia's family worried about her - surely it wasn't normal or healthy, spending that much time alone during a crisis? What I wish I could have told them is that "normal" depends on who you are. Marianne is an extrovert; she processes events by talking them out. Patricia, on the other hand, is an introvert who processes by thinking them out.
It has always seemed to me that many misunderstandings arise from differences in temperament and personality. According to the official stats in almost every pop psych book I've read, introverts are in the minority in the U.S. (although in certain other countries, including Japan, they're the majority, which makes me wonder how much of our personalities are due to cultural expectations). Since I'm one of them, I decided to offer some pointers on how to understand us. And since I'm married to an extrovert, I can also give a few communication tips to introverts based on what's worked.
Two of my friends went through divorces at roughly the same time. Marianne made daily calls to each friend in her circle to hash out the details and talked with her sister for hours. Patricia went on long walks by herself, only confiding in a couple of close friends after she'd had a chance to think things over.
Patricia's family worried about her - surely it wasn't normal or healthy, spending that much time alone during a crisis? What I wish I could have told them is that "normal" depends on who you are. Marianne is an extrovert; she processes events by talking them out. Patricia, on the other hand, is an introvert who processes by thinking them out.
It has always seemed to me that many misunderstandings arise from differences in temperament and personality. According to the official stats in almost every pop psych book I've read, introverts are in the minority in the U.S. (although in certain other countries, including Japan, they're the majority, which makes me wonder how much of our personalities are due to cultural expectations). Since I'm one of them, I decided to offer some pointers on how to understand us. And since I'm married to an extrovert, I can also give a few communication tips to introverts based on what's worked.
Good to Know:
- Introverts are often mistaken for being shy or lonely. However, quietness and shyness aren't the same thing. We might not be the most chatty people in the room but we're not afraid of talking to people in general.
- If an introvert friend or partner tells you that she needs some space, she's not putting you off. Intros have a lower point of saturation when it comes to noise, stimuli and chitchat. Fifteen minutes at the mall the Friday after Thanksgiving would drive me screaming to the parking lot; a few of my extrovert friends love the crowds and chaos.
- Every intro I've every known, myself included, needs some solitude every day. Without it we get cranky. Personally, I can't process the day's events when someone's talking incessantly or with TV in the background. That's why many of us defend whatever private space we may have, no matter how small. I have a friend who's kept her car even though her partner wants her to sell it so they can be a one-car household; her car is often the only available place she can go for solo time.
- Our silence is often mistaken for 1) being available to listen, 2) not having an opinion on the subject at hand or 3) agreeing with the speaker. Again, not necessarily true. We just prefer to get plenty of information and think up the best possible response before delivering it.
What Introverts Can Contribute (If We're Allowed!)
- In a group, an introvert may be the person most keyed in to others' moods and to group undercurrents, aspects of group work that a committee chair or department manager (often an extro) might not notice. Often it's the below-surface interpersonal stuff, not a specific task, that causes problems. If someone appears quiet but observant, it pays to ask her what's up.
- Intros take longer to make decisions but we think things through carefully. And most of us are good communicators once we decide what to say - we get to the point but are generally careful of others' feelings.
- Intros often have right-on observations about what's happening, whether they're on the job or off. Some intros watch rather than participate, and so see things others miss. And people often talk to us simply because we listen.
- An intro might not have thousands of friends, but his friendships are deep and loyal. This extends to bonds within any group or workplace.
How Introverts Can Help Extroverts Relate
- Don't expect others to guess what's going on in your head. If someone's pressing you for an answer you're not ready to give, just say "I usually need a day or so to think about stuff like this. I'll get back to you." If you arrive home from work exhausted and don't feel up to listening to a chatty extro family member, say "I need to chill out first - how about meeting up in fifteen minutes?"
- If you don't agree with someone but don't want to engage in a debate, use "We'll have to agree to disagree." It lets your listener know that your opinion differs but you're not interested in arguing. I love this line - it's the best way I've found to prevent Doormat Syndrome.
- Make an effort to speak up if you feel strongly about something. At first you might feel (and be treated) like wallpaper, especially if you have a history of silence. But after awhile it gets easier.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Wanted: A Cause
The other day I experienced an unexpected rush of empathy for a young friend who’s trying to find ways to assert her individuality, something we all have to do eventually. Like her Woodstocker parents during the 60s, she wants to be radically daring and different. But like many of us during our younger days, she sometimes mistakes defiance and disrespect for assertiveness and individuality. This landed her in trouble at school. What’s a rebel-without-a-cause to do?
What I want to tell her is this: the best way to rebel against the prevailing mood of the moment is to treat people well. Remember that we’re all individuals, not faceless pieces of our various groups and affiliations. Given the drama of the previous decade, where demonizing those who disagree with us – loudly and publicly - became standard practice, the simple refusal to see others as stereotypes might be the most subversive thing any of us can do.
The key to breaking out of the box is one-to-one contact. The neighbors in my block-watch area, which consists of about 15 households, are such a motley mixture of backgrounds and opinions that if we were all running for office and held a political debate amongst ourselves, World War III might ensue. But as neighbors we get along well.
One of my neighbors is a “birther” who always carries a concealed weapon. I’d hate to meet him in a dark alley, especially since his eyesight isn’t so good anymore. He and I would probably disagree on every point. Yet he’s a great neighbor. When I meet him on the street, he always asks about various members of my family. He puts out bowls of food for the neighborhood’s stray cats. And since he has insomnia he sits out on his porch at 2 a.m., something that I as the block watch facilitator can appreciate.
He and his wife regularly go out to dinner with the neighbors across the alley from us, a husband and wife who are lifelong Dems with a liberal populist bent. I don’t know what they talk about over their pizza, but despite their differences of opinion they’ve remained good friends.
I think the secret is that they’ve gotten to know each other as human beings. When we get acquainted with someone on the personal level, the relationship ceases to be “Us v. Them.” Villianizing an entire group of people is much easier to do when we aren’t challenged to put a human face on any of its members.
During the last ten years or so, villianizing “Them,” whoever our particular them might be, has become so standard that most of us don’t even notice it anymore. Purple prose and inflammatory talk radio have become part of the emotional wallpaper. The comment threads on the editorial page of almost any newspaper website are so peppered with “idiot” and “moron” that it’s often difficult to find the actual ideas hidden within these posts.
A nation full of adults indulging in a collective tantrum puts teenage rebels out of work. That’s why I might suggest to my young friend that if she wants to be truly rad, she could refuse to join the grownups. She could make it a point to not yell, either out loud or onscreen. She could realize that verbal bullying says more about the bully than the intended target. She could acknowledge that epithets and name-calling are poor substitutes for good ideas. She could see that being chronically angry isn’t a virtue. That merely having a strong opinion doesn’t justify violence, whether it’s physical, verbal or emotional.
Above all, she could insist on seeing everyone she encounters as a real person, and treating that person with respect whether or not she agrees with them. For those of us who haven’t made this a lifetime habit, it’s incredibly difficult to do on a consistent basis. It’s much harder than writing blog posts, organizing a rally or even voting with our wallets.
But one-to-one is the level at which meaningful change starts. Working on that level, my friend will be able to challenge the status quo, but in a way that serves a worthwhile purpose. She’ll be a rebel with a cause.
It will make a world of difference for her and a difference in the world.
©Geri Hoekzema, Yellow House ProductionsWanted: A Cause
What I want to tell her is this: the best way to rebel against the prevailing mood of the moment is to treat people well. Remember that we’re all individuals, not faceless pieces of our various groups and affiliations. Given the drama of the previous decade, where demonizing those who disagree with us – loudly and publicly - became standard practice, the simple refusal to see others as stereotypes might be the most subversive thing any of us can do.
The key to breaking out of the box is one-to-one contact. The neighbors in my block-watch area, which consists of about 15 households, are such a motley mixture of backgrounds and opinions that if we were all running for office and held a political debate amongst ourselves, World War III might ensue. But as neighbors we get along well.
One of my neighbors is a “birther” who always carries a concealed weapon. I’d hate to meet him in a dark alley, especially since his eyesight isn’t so good anymore. He and I would probably disagree on every point. Yet he’s a great neighbor. When I meet him on the street, he always asks about various members of my family. He puts out bowls of food for the neighborhood’s stray cats. And since he has insomnia he sits out on his porch at 2 a.m., something that I as the block watch facilitator can appreciate.
He and his wife regularly go out to dinner with the neighbors across the alley from us, a husband and wife who are lifelong Dems with a liberal populist bent. I don’t know what they talk about over their pizza, but despite their differences of opinion they’ve remained good friends.
I think the secret is that they’ve gotten to know each other as human beings. When we get acquainted with someone on the personal level, the relationship ceases to be “Us v. Them.” Villianizing an entire group of people is much easier to do when we aren’t challenged to put a human face on any of its members.
During the last ten years or so, villianizing “Them,” whoever our particular them might be, has become so standard that most of us don’t even notice it anymore. Purple prose and inflammatory talk radio have become part of the emotional wallpaper. The comment threads on the editorial page of almost any newspaper website are so peppered with “idiot” and “moron” that it’s often difficult to find the actual ideas hidden within these posts.
A nation full of adults indulging in a collective tantrum puts teenage rebels out of work. That’s why I might suggest to my young friend that if she wants to be truly rad, she could refuse to join the grownups. She could make it a point to not yell, either out loud or onscreen. She could realize that verbal bullying says more about the bully than the intended target. She could acknowledge that epithets and name-calling are poor substitutes for good ideas. She could see that being chronically angry isn’t a virtue. That merely having a strong opinion doesn’t justify violence, whether it’s physical, verbal or emotional.
Above all, she could insist on seeing everyone she encounters as a real person, and treating that person with respect whether or not she agrees with them. For those of us who haven’t made this a lifetime habit, it’s incredibly difficult to do on a consistent basis. It’s much harder than writing blog posts, organizing a rally or even voting with our wallets.
But one-to-one is the level at which meaningful change starts. Working on that level, my friend will be able to challenge the status quo, but in a way that serves a worthwhile purpose. She’ll be a rebel with a cause.
It will make a world of difference for her and a difference in the world.
©Geri Hoekzema, Yellow House ProductionsWanted: A Cause
Monday, September 27, 2010
Break Time
I will be taking a break from blogging in order to complete a few projects and prepare for upcoming events. See you later!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Beyond Educational Boxes
When I was in school, the question of the day was always "What college are you going to?" After graduating H.S. I did in fact go on to a university and had a great time there. However, my high school classmates who weren't attracted to campus life sometimes felt a little lost. They didn't get much help at school since both the curriculum and guidance counseling were weighted heavily towards college, even if the student had no idea why she should go.
I think the reason for this was because over the last few decades, the choice of a career in skilled trades has been losing acceptance in middle-class America. And yet, tradespeople are more in demand these days than desk jockeys, they earn more than your average English major and - this is what most university grads don't realize - entry into degree programs in auto repair, dental hygiene or electronics may be more difficult than getting into a liberal arts college. Such programs require a high degree of mathematical, scientific and/or technical skill.
Thirty years ago, guys who liked to fiddle around with cars were called grease monkeys and simply got started in the business by getting hired as go-fers at a garage. These days the automotive manual for professionals that students at the local community college use weighs more than all my English textbooks together!
A lot of kids are missing some great opportunities, only because they're stuck inside an educational box. My husband, who used to work for a program that served at-risk high school students, once told me that trade union representatives have a hard time getting permission to visit schools and sign up interested kids - guidance counselors are so focused on bringing college admissions reps to campus that everything else falls by the wayside.
Happily this is changing, partly due to high unemployment & the recession. More students question the wisdom of paying $50,000+ for a degree in an overcrowded field, especially if they don't have a clear vocation.
Maybe it's also partly due to personal experience. One of my sharpest, most insightful and artistically talented friends works as a hairdresser and has "only" a cosmetology license. And one of the most incompetent bosses I've ever had (nice, but incompetent) had an MSSW - not just a Masters in Social Work but a Master of Science in Social Work, which requires more credits. Boomers like myself are realizing that formal education can't teach practical living skills, business sense or street smarts, and we're adjusting expectations for our kids.
For an interesting take on the value of manual work, read Shop Class as Soul Craft by Matthew B. Crawford (20009). Crawford holds a PhD and once directed a think tank in Washington DC but quit his desk job to open a motorcycle repair shop.
He and other professionals like him are showing young people that you can be smart and still enjoy getting your hands dirty. And even make a living at it.
I think the reason for this was because over the last few decades, the choice of a career in skilled trades has been losing acceptance in middle-class America. And yet, tradespeople are more in demand these days than desk jockeys, they earn more than your average English major and - this is what most university grads don't realize - entry into degree programs in auto repair, dental hygiene or electronics may be more difficult than getting into a liberal arts college. Such programs require a high degree of mathematical, scientific and/or technical skill.
Thirty years ago, guys who liked to fiddle around with cars were called grease monkeys and simply got started in the business by getting hired as go-fers at a garage. These days the automotive manual for professionals that students at the local community college use weighs more than all my English textbooks together!
A lot of kids are missing some great opportunities, only because they're stuck inside an educational box. My husband, who used to work for a program that served at-risk high school students, once told me that trade union representatives have a hard time getting permission to visit schools and sign up interested kids - guidance counselors are so focused on bringing college admissions reps to campus that everything else falls by the wayside.
Happily this is changing, partly due to high unemployment & the recession. More students question the wisdom of paying $50,000+ for a degree in an overcrowded field, especially if they don't have a clear vocation.
Maybe it's also partly due to personal experience. One of my sharpest, most insightful and artistically talented friends works as a hairdresser and has "only" a cosmetology license. And one of the most incompetent bosses I've ever had (nice, but incompetent) had an MSSW - not just a Masters in Social Work but a Master of Science in Social Work, which requires more credits. Boomers like myself are realizing that formal education can't teach practical living skills, business sense or street smarts, and we're adjusting expectations for our kids.
For an interesting take on the value of manual work, read Shop Class as Soul Craft by Matthew B. Crawford (20009). Crawford holds a PhD and once directed a think tank in Washington DC but quit his desk job to open a motorcycle repair shop.
He and other professionals like him are showing young people that you can be smart and still enjoy getting your hands dirty. And even make a living at it.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Civility in the 'Couv
Several weeks ago I invited concerned readers to check out the Civility Project, a national effort to counter the hostile tone that pervades much of our political debate and public interactions these days. Here is a local page with similar focus, for those of you in the 'Couv.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=15432&id=100930513296966&saved
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=15432&id=100930513296966&saved
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
News from the Slow Food Movement
I've just read this page. Good food in schools - yes! Now if only kids could be given enough time during lunch period to actually enjoy it...
Locally Grown in Schools
Locally Grown in Schools
Monday, September 6, 2010
Slow Lane: A Sort of Sabbath
(Labor Day 2010)
This morning I took the dog out for a walk and noticed that a number of the small businesses along upper Main street are closed on Labor Day. Good for them. Although a few would-be customers might be disappointed, I find it nice to think that the employees get to spend the day off with their families.
Until recently, this kind of thinking was definitely an outside-the-lines zone in mainstream U.S. culture. We were supposed to believe that a 24/7/365 Business as Usual policy is desirable. It ostensibly creates much-needed jobs, boosts the economy and makes life more convenient for all of us.
But a funny thing happened to some of us when we tried to live this way. As I compare notes with fellow Boomers, we've noticed several patterns that emerged alongside convenience culture.
For one thing, nonessential tasks became "urgent" simply because we had the means to accomplish them immediately; the world wouldn't end if we didn't run out and get more peanut butter that night, but since stores were open round the clock, we felt like we should go out.
A side effect of this constant availability has been that many of us don't plan well. My mom and dad raised six kids, yet I don't remember either of them running to the store every single day. Maybe since businesses had shorter hours 30-40 years ago, people developed better time management skills than we do now.
Another effect of 24/7 was that the quality of our relationships deteriorated. A friend recently noted that with every new "convenience" she seems to add another item to her to-do list, and this has given her less time to simply be with family and friends.
Electronic conveniences even provide a way to "chat" 24/7. I've noticed that for myself, email and Facebook have provided convenient ways to stay in basic touch with people and get work done. However, checking both sometimes feels like just another task on an overloaded plate - plus, coming from enthusiasts, there is sometimes an expectation that I'll answer every message within the hour. None of these interactions take the place of a real live F2F visit; however, having 700 "friends" on Facebook can lead us to think that we're part of a community.
Finally, we noticed that we always felt tired. Getting up in the morning was becoming harder. Could it be that our constant doing was wearing us out?
Five years ago I decided to experiment with having a personal sabbath day. The idea of a day of rest isn't limited to people who belong to an organized religion - anyone can create one. Each of us can decide what "rest" means. For example, I don't go grocery shopping, fill up the tank or check email on days of rest, because those tasks feel like work. However, I'll weed the garden if I want, or cook a good meal. Every so often, my household has an electronics-free day - no email, social networks, phone or TV. We talk to each other instead.
What would you do (or not do) on your day of rest?
This morning I took the dog out for a walk and noticed that a number of the small businesses along upper Main street are closed on Labor Day. Good for them. Although a few would-be customers might be disappointed, I find it nice to think that the employees get to spend the day off with their families.
Until recently, this kind of thinking was definitely an outside-the-lines zone in mainstream U.S. culture. We were supposed to believe that a 24/7/365 Business as Usual policy is desirable. It ostensibly creates much-needed jobs, boosts the economy and makes life more convenient for all of us.
But a funny thing happened to some of us when we tried to live this way. As I compare notes with fellow Boomers, we've noticed several patterns that emerged alongside convenience culture.
For one thing, nonessential tasks became "urgent" simply because we had the means to accomplish them immediately; the world wouldn't end if we didn't run out and get more peanut butter that night, but since stores were open round the clock, we felt like we should go out.
A side effect of this constant availability has been that many of us don't plan well. My mom and dad raised six kids, yet I don't remember either of them running to the store every single day. Maybe since businesses had shorter hours 30-40 years ago, people developed better time management skills than we do now.
Another effect of 24/7 was that the quality of our relationships deteriorated. A friend recently noted that with every new "convenience" she seems to add another item to her to-do list, and this has given her less time to simply be with family and friends.
Electronic conveniences even provide a way to "chat" 24/7. I've noticed that for myself, email and Facebook have provided convenient ways to stay in basic touch with people and get work done. However, checking both sometimes feels like just another task on an overloaded plate - plus, coming from enthusiasts, there is sometimes an expectation that I'll answer every message within the hour. None of these interactions take the place of a real live F2F visit; however, having 700 "friends" on Facebook can lead us to think that we're part of a community.
Finally, we noticed that we always felt tired. Getting up in the morning was becoming harder. Could it be that our constant doing was wearing us out?
Five years ago I decided to experiment with having a personal sabbath day. The idea of a day of rest isn't limited to people who belong to an organized religion - anyone can create one. Each of us can decide what "rest" means. For example, I don't go grocery shopping, fill up the tank or check email on days of rest, because those tasks feel like work. However, I'll weed the garden if I want, or cook a good meal. Every so often, my household has an electronics-free day - no email, social networks, phone or TV. We talk to each other instead.
What would you do (or not do) on your day of rest?
Monday, August 30, 2010
Slow Food
Ten years ago, when my husband and I were both staff assistants in the schools and had two kids at home, we always ate at home out of necessity; there wasn't any money for eating out. At that time the cultural gold standard for parenting was the Minivan Mom - she was so busy shuttling her kids to various enrichment activities that she didn't have time to cook. And if she was really on top, she did the shuttling in a state-of-the-art SUV equipped with all the latest conveniences. Surrounded by "at home" moms who were never at home, I always felt decidedly unhip whenever I drove my son home in our Honda Civic and popped potatoes in the oven.
It takes hard times to bring back "real" food. Now that people need to economize, there's a renewed interest in growing and making our own food. The Slow Food movement, which began in the early 1990s, is speeding up.
Slow food:
I don't feel like such a geek-mom now.
It takes hard times to bring back "real" food. Now that people need to economize, there's a renewed interest in growing and making our own food. The Slow Food movement, which began in the early 1990s, is speeding up.
Slow food:
- Uses as little packaging or processed food as possible.
- Is prepared mindfully, enjoying the cooking process itself.
- Is eaten sitting down.
- As often as possible, is enjoyed in the company of others.
I don't feel like such a geek-mom now.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Life in the Slow Lane #1
How often during the past week has someone asked you, "How's it going?" And how many of those times did you reply, "Crazy busy!" or something like it?
Me too. Funny thing is, sometimes I say it even if it's not particularly true. So do other people (I've asked). Why? What would happen if I said, "Great - we're all having a laid-back summer this year," or "I've been stopping to smell the roses a lot" instead?
Our culture has its share of commonly held myths, one of them being Busyness is Virtuous. If someone isn't busy, she's a) Not doing her share of work, b) Is fundamentally lazy, c) Isn't reaching her potential or d) All of the above. Families that aren't crazy-busy are suspected of raising underachieving kids.
Some years ago I realized that living the crazy-busy life didn't feel right; in fact, for me it was sort of depressing. And it seemed to me that certain friends didn't appear to be enjoying it either. I decided to give up several activities, carve out a few "empty" blocks of time during the week, and halt new involvements for awhile.
The hardest thing, however, was deciding to tell the truth about it. If someone asked me to sit on a committee, instead of saying "I can't because (fill in fib), I'd say "Not this time. I've decided to spend more time at home." There's a big difference between "I can't," which makes you sound powerless, and "I choose not to." It's true that "I can't" will automatically excuse you if your reason is plausible. "I choose not to" may get you dirty looks.
But taking responsibility for your own preferences and needs gets easier the more you practice it. The bonus is that the things you do say "yes" to receive your full attention.
Busyness (even pointless busyness, the kind that generates resentment and fatigue) is still the quickest route to approval. But I see a growing number of people exiting the fast lane. Soon it won't be an outside-the-lines choice anymore.
Me too. Funny thing is, sometimes I say it even if it's not particularly true. So do other people (I've asked). Why? What would happen if I said, "Great - we're all having a laid-back summer this year," or "I've been stopping to smell the roses a lot" instead?
Our culture has its share of commonly held myths, one of them being Busyness is Virtuous. If someone isn't busy, she's a) Not doing her share of work, b) Is fundamentally lazy, c) Isn't reaching her potential or d) All of the above. Families that aren't crazy-busy are suspected of raising underachieving kids.
Some years ago I realized that living the crazy-busy life didn't feel right; in fact, for me it was sort of depressing. And it seemed to me that certain friends didn't appear to be enjoying it either. I decided to give up several activities, carve out a few "empty" blocks of time during the week, and halt new involvements for awhile.
The hardest thing, however, was deciding to tell the truth about it. If someone asked me to sit on a committee, instead of saying "I can't because (fill in fib), I'd say "Not this time. I've decided to spend more time at home." There's a big difference between "I can't," which makes you sound powerless, and "I choose not to." It's true that "I can't" will automatically excuse you if your reason is plausible. "I choose not to" may get you dirty looks.
But taking responsibility for your own preferences and needs gets easier the more you practice it. The bonus is that the things you do say "yes" to receive your full attention.
Busyness (even pointless busyness, the kind that generates resentment and fatigue) is still the quickest route to approval. But I see a growing number of people exiting the fast lane. Soon it won't be an outside-the-lines choice anymore.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Good Times Are Killing Me
Maybe each of us feels out of sync with everyone else at some point in our lives. For me, it's often during summer. It sometimes seems as though the entire known universe is on vacation, everyone else just loves the 23 hours of daylight, and leaping from one good time to another without pausing for breath is normal. Until I started asking around, I didn't realize that a few other people also breathe a sigh of relief when Labor Day weekend's over and autumn things down.
If you're one of those oddities who prefers winter to summer, doesn't mind long nights or secretly enjoys having a quiet weekend at home once in awhile, this is for you. Or maybe you like the idea of summer fun but don't get much of it because your job heats up (park rangers, child care workers, waitstaff at sidewalk cafes) or you're an at-home parent. Or you could be one of those people with reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder, who get depressed during times of blazing heat and brightness. Or your neighborhood gets so noisy that you don't fall asleep till 4 a.m. Whichever describes you, there are ways to finesse summer, all of which involve discovering what bugs you, and preparing for it.
If you're one of those oddities who prefers winter to summer, doesn't mind long nights or secretly enjoys having a quiet weekend at home once in awhile, this is for you. Or maybe you like the idea of summer fun but don't get much of it because your job heats up (park rangers, child care workers, waitstaff at sidewalk cafes) or you're an at-home parent. Or you could be one of those people with reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder, who get depressed during times of blazing heat and brightness. Or your neighborhood gets so noisy that you don't fall asleep till 4 a.m. Whichever describes you, there are ways to finesse summer, all of which involve discovering what bugs you, and preparing for it.
- If heat, light or noise are the problem, make sure that your bedroom curtains are thick and dark enough to block out light. If you don't have young kids, use ear plugs. If you need to hear unusual noises, use a white noise player to block outdoor noise - you'll still be able to hear a child crying or your dog barking inside the house.
- Try cutting down on caffeine if you already feel somewhat jittery from too much light or too little sleep. At a certain point of fatigue, caffeine won't help.
- If hyperactive schedules are the problem, meet with other family members before summer starts and decide what you can and can't do. If a lot of summer-type events are coming up - graduations, weddings, reunions, campouts - confer with your partner and decide on which ones are a "must," which could be attended by only one of you, and which ones you'll pass.
- If most of your family and friends have summers off or a lot of vacation time and you don't, send out a group email message (May is good) reminding everyone that you won't be able to take time off for everything. I've done this for 3-4 years, and it's been very effective in preventing hurt feelings over missed gatherings.
- Block off a weekend (or whatever your days off) once a month for Chill Time. Put away the mobile phone, laptop and crackberry. Have conversations with your partner, kids and really good friends; read books or magazines; watch the sunset instead of TV, and putter aimlessly.
- Try your best to begin and end the day with 15 minutes of solitude and silence. During summer you can sit in a deserted corner of your yard - or if everyone's outside, find an indoor spot.
- If you've always been extremely sensitive to outside stimuli or others' emotional vibes, read anything by Dr. Judith Orloff. She's both a physician and an intuitive who writes for people she calls "empaths," people who pick up on stimuli and impressions so easily that they often feel bombarded.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Counteracting Meanness
This past fall our 18-year old weathered some pretty nasty "stuff" at school. As is the case with a lot of kids who end up at the receiving end of rumoring, one of the root issues was differentness. Even half a year after the incident, he was still getting mean-spirited messages from the one of the students who started the rumor. It's been challenging for me to convince him that responding in kind isn't cool; if I were in his place, I would have been tempted to snipe back as well.
Since that time I've been thinking about people who do mean things: what makes them tick? Are there ways to disarm them? What can you do if someone seems to have a burr in his saddle about you, and you can't totally avoid them (as with kids at school)? Is there anything adults can do to stop the spread of toxic sludge like gossip campaigns on social network sites? Above all, is there a way to teach kids how to deflect bullying without turning into mean people themselves?
While researching I came upon this piece by Martha Beck, life coach and author:
http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Martha-Beck-Why-People-Are-Mean
The article gives some useful tools for anyone who encounters mean behavior. I've also experimented with a few tactics:
Since that time I've been thinking about people who do mean things: what makes them tick? Are there ways to disarm them? What can you do if someone seems to have a burr in his saddle about you, and you can't totally avoid them (as with kids at school)? Is there anything adults can do to stop the spread of toxic sludge like gossip campaigns on social network sites? Above all, is there a way to teach kids how to deflect bullying without turning into mean people themselves?
While researching I came upon this piece by Martha Beck, life coach and author:
http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Martha-Beck-Why-People-Are-Mean
The article gives some useful tools for anyone who encounters mean behavior. I've also experimented with a few tactics:
- Make a list of people you admire who've encountered harassment, bullying or other unfairness but have come through with their spirits intact. The list can include public figures (Oprah's on mine) but the focus should be on personal acquaintances. When I did this, I was amazed at how many of the best people I know were targets of mean behavior at some point in their lives. They didn't let it define them. You don't have to, either.
- If you're having a hard time letting go of particular memories - my son had nightmares for several months - try reframing the way you tell the story to yourself. Old myths and fairy tales can give you some ideas: I particularly liked "Scar Clan" from Women Who run With the Wolves.
- After it's all over and you're processing what happened, approach the problem like a scientific investigator or anthropologist studying a strange new species: who is this person and why do you think she's doing this to you?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Not as Different as You Might Think
Not long ago I received an SOS from a close friend - she'd been stuck in a depressed slump for several weeks and was asking all her friends to email, call or drop by. Since she'd provided a listening ear for me earlier this year, I was happy to help her.
This past winter my family and I were mired (or so it felt) in the emotional aftereffects of an incident at school that had involved our younger son. The incident, a Facebook-based rumoring campaign, was the culmination of a years' worth of harassment where he had been one of the targets. He was stuck in anger (understandable) and I was stuck in disbelief: how could people do things like that to each other?
During a visit to my friend I told her about the incident. She told me about a devastating encounter her son experienced years ago. After arriving home that night, I remembered other friends and colleagues who've gone through things that temporarily shook their faith in people - being falsely accused of child molestation, being sexually harassed at work, falling victim to identity theft, being stalked...the list goes on. All of these people lived through the experience and moved on.
I'm startled by the number of truly good people I've known who have victims of someone else's hostility. This reminds me that the sort of traumatic events that deliver a personal blow below the belt, such as character smears, don't say anything real about the intended victim. They do say something about the instigator but that's another story. I know that my family has good company, and plenty of it. It also reminds me that bad stuff happens - if someone as full of good will and integrity as my friend Jon (not his real name) can be a target of a hostile rumor campaign, it could happen to anyone.
In fact, it's amazing how common this experience is. Instead of isolating ourselves and feeling as though we're somehow different, we can link up and support each other.
This past winter my family and I were mired (or so it felt) in the emotional aftereffects of an incident at school that had involved our younger son. The incident, a Facebook-based rumoring campaign, was the culmination of a years' worth of harassment where he had been one of the targets. He was stuck in anger (understandable) and I was stuck in disbelief: how could people do things like that to each other?
During a visit to my friend I told her about the incident. She told me about a devastating encounter her son experienced years ago. After arriving home that night, I remembered other friends and colleagues who've gone through things that temporarily shook their faith in people - being falsely accused of child molestation, being sexually harassed at work, falling victim to identity theft, being stalked...the list goes on. All of these people lived through the experience and moved on.
I'm startled by the number of truly good people I've known who have victims of someone else's hostility. This reminds me that the sort of traumatic events that deliver a personal blow below the belt, such as character smears, don't say anything real about the intended victim. They do say something about the instigator but that's another story. I know that my family has good company, and plenty of it. It also reminds me that bad stuff happens - if someone as full of good will and integrity as my friend Jon (not his real name) can be a target of a hostile rumor campaign, it could happen to anyone.
In fact, it's amazing how common this experience is. Instead of isolating ourselves and feeling as though we're somehow different, we can link up and support each other.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Common Sense v. Custom
Summer is a social season, including those occasions that include intricate etiquette and gifting. Some customs make sense and some don't.
The year I turned 25, my job was cut from full time to part time, my car was stolen and the house I was living in got broken into. I was beyond broke. I n December I received an invitation to a wedding shower for a co-worker.
This shouldn't have been a big deal. Since I didn't really know the woman - she was upper management, several levels above me - I wouldn't be missed. If she'd been a good friend, I'd just get her something practical, and at that moment, really really cheap. Did yard sales have registries?
Then one of the secretaries told me that if you receive a shower invite, you don't have to go but you "have to" send a gift. And Ms. Exec was registered at Nieman-Marcus & Bloomingdale's.
I wasn't even going to be able to send a Christmas present to my baby niece that year. Why on earth would I spend $80 on a cut-glass pickle dish (the cheapest item on the registry) for someone who probably already had everything? Anyway, who made the gift rule and who said I had to obey it?
jSidesteppers are practical if nothing else. I didn't go or send a gift. The world didn't end. Nobody noticed the "missing" present. And I was able to send my niece a present after all.
Social customs were created to serve people. When it turns out to be the other way around, it's time for a change.
The year I turned 25, my job was cut from full time to part time, my car was stolen and the house I was living in got broken into. I was beyond broke. I n December I received an invitation to a wedding shower for a co-worker.
This shouldn't have been a big deal. Since I didn't really know the woman - she was upper management, several levels above me - I wouldn't be missed. If she'd been a good friend, I'd just get her something practical, and at that moment, really really cheap. Did yard sales have registries?
Then one of the secretaries told me that if you receive a shower invite, you don't have to go but you "have to" send a gift. And Ms. Exec was registered at Nieman-Marcus & Bloomingdale's.
I wasn't even going to be able to send a Christmas present to my baby niece that year. Why on earth would I spend $80 on a cut-glass pickle dish (the cheapest item on the registry) for someone who probably already had everything? Anyway, who made the gift rule and who said I had to obey it?
jSidesteppers are practical if nothing else. I didn't go or send a gift. The world didn't end. Nobody noticed the "missing" present. And I was able to send my niece a present after all.
Social customs were created to serve people. When it turns out to be the other way around, it's time for a change.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
The Rule of Two
During our active child-rearing years, my husband Tom and I developed a strategy that enabled everyone in the household to "get a life." I called it the Rule of Two: each family member could have two activities outside of job or school, and we adults agreed to limit ourselves to two evening absences per week. Everyone was able to get something he wanted, but no one got everything he wanted. It ensured that family life didn't revolve around a single member, and it helped the kids learn how to prioritize and make choices. It helped prevent the "it's all about me" orientation I've noticed in kids who aren't given limits.
If you're feeling frustrated by a hyperactive family schedule or are detecting signs of entitlement in certain family members, try the Rule of Two. You might be surprised at how effective a simple change can be.
If you're feeling frustrated by a hyperactive family schedule or are detecting signs of entitlement in certain family members, try the Rule of Two. You might be surprised at how effective a simple change can be.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Why You MUST Have a Life Outside Family
For almost two decades, we've been going deeper and deeper into a style of parenting that not only fosters dependency in young people but also does strange things to many of the moms who practice it religiously. For lack of a better word ( "official" terms like Helicopter and Supermom don't encompass the whole role), I call it the Fertilizer Mom trend. The unspoken assumptions of Fertilizer Mom culture are:
A few such friends underwent some unhappy personality changes. These included becoming a one-upper or "comparison" parent, with an attendant cattiness towards other women; exhibiting a growing level of desperation when things went wrong with a child (and "wrong" could mean going from a 4.0 to 3.8!), or developing a competitive streak suitable for a Fortune 500 CEO but not a parent. The first and last two changes I could ignore when I saw them in other women. After all, no one was forcing me to remain part of such conversations.
The middle change, desperation, was terrible to see. And in each instance it could have been avoided by the mom, not by changing her kid but by investing in other loves as well as in her kids.
Of course your kids will remain the most important part of your lives, and if anything bad happens to any of them, it could be devastating. But having separate interests, pursuits and friends will keep molehills from becoming mountains; you'll hurt or worry if your child falls seriously ill, for example, but not if she fails to make the A-level team and has to settle for B instead. It will prevent the sort of emotional over-investment that makes moms do crazy things like kill a daughter's competitor for a spot on the cheerleading squad or devise a fake Facebook user who convinces another child to commit suicide.
I believe it's best to even have a friend or two who have never met any members of your family. They are possibly the only people who will take you for who you are, without the strings of a dependent's reputation lifting you up or dragging you down. During one especially dark time in my family's history last year, the people who really pulled me through were the members of my writers' group. We've had very limited contact with each others' families, and several members haven't met any of mine. Yet because of their detachment, they were able to help me put things in perspective.
And you know what? They were right.
- Being a "good" parent is not the most important goal in your life; it should be the only goal. Wanting to do other things occasionally is selfish.
- A good mom exists to help her kids get to the top of the heap. Back in the day, it also meant making your kids the best-fed, housed and clothed ones on the block, via homemaking. Now it mostly means facilitating their educational careers by driving them to any team practices, lessons and other stuff you can cram into the schedule, and by volunteering 40 hours a week at the school so you can be eligible for favors from school staff (like recommendations) when needed.
- Work done in the home simply because the kid is a member of the family (popularly called "chores") robs him of time he could spend studying, practicing or working on yet another activity to pad his college apps; therefore, a good mom doesn't require that her kids do chores. Requiring them to do any "adult" work makes you a slacker mom.
- You can judge a mom's character and worthiness entirely by how her kids are doing. If they're on top of the world, she's a good mom. If not...
- It's okay to have casual buddies (all parents from your kids' various groups) but since your job is to pave the way for your kids, you may have to step on said friends' toes in order to do this if their kids are standing in the way of your kids.
A few such friends underwent some unhappy personality changes. These included becoming a one-upper or "comparison" parent, with an attendant cattiness towards other women; exhibiting a growing level of desperation when things went wrong with a child (and "wrong" could mean going from a 4.0 to 3.8!), or developing a competitive streak suitable for a Fortune 500 CEO but not a parent. The first and last two changes I could ignore when I saw them in other women. After all, no one was forcing me to remain part of such conversations.
The middle change, desperation, was terrible to see. And in each instance it could have been avoided by the mom, not by changing her kid but by investing in other loves as well as in her kids.
Of course your kids will remain the most important part of your lives, and if anything bad happens to any of them, it could be devastating. But having separate interests, pursuits and friends will keep molehills from becoming mountains; you'll hurt or worry if your child falls seriously ill, for example, but not if she fails to make the A-level team and has to settle for B instead. It will prevent the sort of emotional over-investment that makes moms do crazy things like kill a daughter's competitor for a spot on the cheerleading squad or devise a fake Facebook user who convinces another child to commit suicide.
I believe it's best to even have a friend or two who have never met any members of your family. They are possibly the only people who will take you for who you are, without the strings of a dependent's reputation lifting you up or dragging you down. During one especially dark time in my family's history last year, the people who really pulled me through were the members of my writers' group. We've had very limited contact with each others' families, and several members haven't met any of mine. Yet because of their detachment, they were able to help me put things in perspective.
And you know what? They were right.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Red (& White & Blue)-Flag Words
Fourth of July in the neighborhood was a blast. There was an outdoor potluck picnic where tables sagged under the weight of the traditional potato salad, cornbread and ribs.
And tabbouleh, masala, tamales, bratwurst, falafel, sushi, couscous, pad thai, anjera, jicama, gazpacho and beignets. Board games such as Macala (Filipino) and Whist (British) were available, and someone set out a croquet set along with the softball equipment. Later there were the usual fireworks, a Chinese invention.
The U.S. is a collage of cultures. That's why an authentic celebration of American values has to be big enough to encompass all who have made it their home and whose contributions have raised the quality of living here.
For some readers, living outside the lines sometimes means challenging assumptions about what constitutes patriotism. Even in the most tolerant times, words like "American," "God" "Christian," "family" and "values" are loaded. They're often used to intimidate us into feigning agreement with the speaker or writer, or make us think that the only real Americans are those who fit a restrictive profile.
The next time you're feeling like this, step outside and take a look around your neighborhood. Chances are excellent that you'll see the homes and businesses of neighbors who come from a multitude of backgrounds and hold beliefs that run the spectrum. And you'll realize that in your "outsideness" you've got plenty of company.
And tabbouleh, masala, tamales, bratwurst, falafel, sushi, couscous, pad thai, anjera, jicama, gazpacho and beignets. Board games such as Macala (Filipino) and Whist (British) were available, and someone set out a croquet set along with the softball equipment. Later there were the usual fireworks, a Chinese invention.
The U.S. is a collage of cultures. That's why an authentic celebration of American values has to be big enough to encompass all who have made it their home and whose contributions have raised the quality of living here.
For some readers, living outside the lines sometimes means challenging assumptions about what constitutes patriotism. Even in the most tolerant times, words like "American," "God" "Christian," "family" and "values" are loaded. They're often used to intimidate us into feigning agreement with the speaker or writer, or make us think that the only real Americans are those who fit a restrictive profile.
The next time you're feeling like this, step outside and take a look around your neighborhood. Chances are excellent that you'll see the homes and businesses of neighbors who come from a multitude of backgrounds and hold beliefs that run the spectrum. And you'll realize that in your "outsideness" you've got plenty of company.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
The Anthropologist
There's a game you can play whenever you find yourself in an uncomfortable group situation, whether at work, at a social event or with family - I call it The Anthropologist. Numerous counselors, coaches and authors I've read or heard suggest versions of it.
In I Could Do Anything if Only I Knew What it Was,http://www.amazon.com/s?ie=UTF8&tag=mozilla-20&index=blended&link_code=qs&field-keywords=b in the chapter entitled "Help, I'm not ready to be born," Barbara Sher advises young people new to the corporate world to adopt the attitude of a business reporter, and mine their workplace for interesting stories. In Fitting In is Overrated: The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider, http://www.amazon.com/s?ie=UTF8&tag=mozilla-20&index=blended&link_code=qs&field-keywords=leonard%20felder&sourceid=Mozilla-searchLeonard Felder suggests becoming an objective observer during tense or conflict-filled gatherings - pretend that you're gathering data about people and how they interact.
Adopting this neutral observer stance helps you detach from the drama swirling around you and takes some of the sting out of barbs that fly your way. I've tried it on several occasions, including the stressful all-staff meetings I had to attend as part of a long-ago job. I stepped into an investigative point of view, using the Star Trek "prime directive" as inspiration: I was there to observe, record, learn and catalog, not change things or interfere with the corporate culture. It turned out to be a fascinating exercise in learning what makes people tick.
And I made a happy discovery: when I'm in neutral, I'm better able to offer solutions and help others than when I'm swimming with everyone else in oceans of emotions.
In I Could Do Anything if Only I Knew What it Was,http://www.amazon.com/s?ie=UTF8&tag=mozilla-20&index=blended&link_code=qs&field-keywords=b in the chapter entitled "Help, I'm not ready to be born," Barbara Sher advises young people new to the corporate world to adopt the attitude of a business reporter, and mine their workplace for interesting stories. In Fitting In is Overrated: The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider, http://www.amazon.com/s?ie=UTF8&tag=mozilla-20&index=blended&link_code=qs&field-keywords=leonard%20felder&sourceid=Mozilla-searchLeonard Felder suggests becoming an objective observer during tense or conflict-filled gatherings - pretend that you're gathering data about people and how they interact.
Adopting this neutral observer stance helps you detach from the drama swirling around you and takes some of the sting out of barbs that fly your way. I've tried it on several occasions, including the stressful all-staff meetings I had to attend as part of a long-ago job. I stepped into an investigative point of view, using the Star Trek "prime directive" as inspiration: I was there to observe, record, learn and catalog, not change things or interfere with the corporate culture. It turned out to be a fascinating exercise in learning what makes people tick.
And I made a happy discovery: when I'm in neutral, I'm better able to offer solutions and help others than when I'm swimming with everyone else in oceans of emotions.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Summer Self-Reliance for Kids
Every year the local paper publishes a special guide to local summer activities for kids - camps, classes & activities at places like the library or Y. All the activities sound fun. But there are so many that it would be possible to fill a kid's schedule from dawn till nightfall every day. And some parents try to do this - I know because for several brief summers I was one of them.
Ten to fifteen years ago there was a prevalent parenting notion that said "left to their own devices, kids will naturally gravitate towards trouble. Keeping them busy is the only solution." Coupled with the previous decade's trend towards trying to produce superachievers, this encouraged a generation of moms to become micromanagers.
Micromanaging our kids creates several problems: they don't learn the real-life skills of time management and we become frustrated and frazzled. Saddest of all, the kids miss out on some of the greatest pleasures of childhood - impromptu play with whoever happens to be around, making up games and imaginary worlds as they go along.
Kids need unstructured play time just as adults need "down" time. And any parent who is at home with a pack of kids all day needs time to herself as well. Sometimes the best way to arrange this, as I finally discovered, is to invite a few well-behaved kids over for the afternoon and turn the backyard over to them. Provide free things like boxes that can be made into forts. Let them take favorite toys outside. Set out a big bowl of popcorn and jug of kool-aid.
Another option is taking them to a large public park. Let them play freely while you indulge in a "summer read" book.
During the past few years I've met an increasing number of parents who are opting out of summer teams sports, June-August camps and expensive "enrichment" activities all summer so that the whole family can enjoy a slower pace. Maybe mainstream culture is ready to step back from helicoptering and admit that when kids are allowed to manage themselves, they often do just fine.
Letting kids make some of their own choices allows them to exercise independence while giving the adult in charge a much-needed break.
Ten to fifteen years ago there was a prevalent parenting notion that said "left to their own devices, kids will naturally gravitate towards trouble. Keeping them busy is the only solution." Coupled with the previous decade's trend towards trying to produce superachievers, this encouraged a generation of moms to become micromanagers.
Micromanaging our kids creates several problems: they don't learn the real-life skills of time management and we become frustrated and frazzled. Saddest of all, the kids miss out on some of the greatest pleasures of childhood - impromptu play with whoever happens to be around, making up games and imaginary worlds as they go along.
Kids need unstructured play time just as adults need "down" time. And any parent who is at home with a pack of kids all day needs time to herself as well. Sometimes the best way to arrange this, as I finally discovered, is to invite a few well-behaved kids over for the afternoon and turn the backyard over to them. Provide free things like boxes that can be made into forts. Let them take favorite toys outside. Set out a big bowl of popcorn and jug of kool-aid.
Another option is taking them to a large public park. Let them play freely while you indulge in a "summer read" book.
During the past few years I've met an increasing number of parents who are opting out of summer teams sports, June-August camps and expensive "enrichment" activities all summer so that the whole family can enjoy a slower pace. Maybe mainstream culture is ready to step back from helicoptering and admit that when kids are allowed to manage themselves, they often do just fine.
Letting kids make some of their own choices allows them to exercise independence while giving the adult in charge a much-needed break.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Tantrum Nation: our double standard for public behavior is confusing our kids
(Note: I wrote this piece for a certain occasion, not for this blog. It doesn't exactly fit the theme of living outside the lines...then again, maybe civility is enough of an "endangered species" to qualify.)
Last fall, a local student received a short term suspension from school for engaging in a shouting match with a classmate. When he returned to school, he was required to participate in counselor-mediated sessions with the classmate and devise an anger management plan.
Later that week, a grown man from the area was lauded by Tea Party types for his over-the-edge rant at a town hall meeting. He received free publicity via YouTube, with encouragement to run for office.
What's the difference between the two cases? I don't see any. Bad behavior is bad behavior, whether the tantrum is thrown by a toddler, a teen or an adult.
It's hard for me to explain to my teenage son why anger management is a good thing when media personalities such as Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck get paid millions to rant on air. Or why elementary school-style name-calling is considered immature in his case, but not for Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin. Or why Dr. Laura and Michael Moore are allowed to routinely use epithets like "idiot" and "stupid," but he and his peers aren't. Use of abrasive language crosses political and gender lines; while ultracons are the currently the most visible (or audible) , they certainly aren't the only group guilty of trash talk.
When I've had to reprimand kids (my own or students) for losing their cool in public, I give the speech that adults are supposed to give: trash talk is wrong regardless of who's doing it; rants say more about the ranter than the target; right action eventually provides its own reward. But he isn't buying it anymore, and I don't blame him.
Young people are better at seeing through hypocrisy than most adults realize. This should make all of us over 25 profoundly uncomfortable. Yet in all the media-driven discussions about our supposedly disrespectful youth culture, I've never heard anyone point out that maybe kids hurl insults, push each other around or solve problems with fists because they observe adults getting away with aggression.
A small percentage of the population in any society is cursed with a short fuse but most societies don't see this as a virtue. It seems to me that an increasing number of Americans do. Being angry makes us special. It gives us permission to disrupt events, be rude to customer service providers, threaten teachers, punch the referee or call anyone who disagrees with us an idiot.
Righteous anger even gives a few people permission to kill. When anger stems from political or religious extremism, bad behavior takes on a frightening tinge. Like the Viking berserkers who ate psychotropic mushrooms before going into battle, someone raising holy hell is beyond the reach of reason or restraint; their zeal acts like a drug. How many parents would want a troubled teen to emulate Timothy McVeigh? Yet when we grant celebrity status to people who threaten violence, like the guy who posted the Obama assasination site on Facebook, it looks like approval to an attention-hungry kid.
We need to get a grip on ourselves or we won't have anything to offer kids who are angry, confused and hurting. As with any public issue, it starts at home but has to move into larger society eventually. This might entail challenging inflammatory statements or refusing to fuel certain conversations - situations that make mild-mannered, easygoing people like me uncomfortable. But if we don't act, who will?
Not long ago I was at a conference. Six or seven of us stood around making small talk about current events. One participant cracked a joke with ugly racial overtones about the President, coupled with hints of violence. The punch line hung in the air for a moment, probably because the rest of us were too dumbfounded to respond. Then one of my colleagues - a staunch Republican, by the way - said, "That's not funny."
Speaking up like she did takes courage. But if those of us who are concerned about civility and what the future holds for our kids don't stick out our necks, we have no grounds on which to judge young people for disrespectful behavior. It's time to take out the trash - before we bury ourselves in it.
Last fall, a local student received a short term suspension from school for engaging in a shouting match with a classmate. When he returned to school, he was required to participate in counselor-mediated sessions with the classmate and devise an anger management plan.
Later that week, a grown man from the area was lauded by Tea Party types for his over-the-edge rant at a town hall meeting. He received free publicity via YouTube, with encouragement to run for office.
What's the difference between the two cases? I don't see any. Bad behavior is bad behavior, whether the tantrum is thrown by a toddler, a teen or an adult.
It's hard for me to explain to my teenage son why anger management is a good thing when media personalities such as Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck get paid millions to rant on air. Or why elementary school-style name-calling is considered immature in his case, but not for Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin. Or why Dr. Laura and Michael Moore are allowed to routinely use epithets like "idiot" and "stupid," but he and his peers aren't. Use of abrasive language crosses political and gender lines; while ultracons are the currently the most visible (or audible) , they certainly aren't the only group guilty of trash talk.
When I've had to reprimand kids (my own or students) for losing their cool in public, I give the speech that adults are supposed to give: trash talk is wrong regardless of who's doing it; rants say more about the ranter than the target; right action eventually provides its own reward. But he isn't buying it anymore, and I don't blame him.
Young people are better at seeing through hypocrisy than most adults realize. This should make all of us over 25 profoundly uncomfortable. Yet in all the media-driven discussions about our supposedly disrespectful youth culture, I've never heard anyone point out that maybe kids hurl insults, push each other around or solve problems with fists because they observe adults getting away with aggression.
A small percentage of the population in any society is cursed with a short fuse but most societies don't see this as a virtue. It seems to me that an increasing number of Americans do. Being angry makes us special. It gives us permission to disrupt events, be rude to customer service providers, threaten teachers, punch the referee or call anyone who disagrees with us an idiot.
Righteous anger even gives a few people permission to kill. When anger stems from political or religious extremism, bad behavior takes on a frightening tinge. Like the Viking berserkers who ate psychotropic mushrooms before going into battle, someone raising holy hell is beyond the reach of reason or restraint; their zeal acts like a drug. How many parents would want a troubled teen to emulate Timothy McVeigh? Yet when we grant celebrity status to people who threaten violence, like the guy who posted the Obama assasination site on Facebook, it looks like approval to an attention-hungry kid.
We need to get a grip on ourselves or we won't have anything to offer kids who are angry, confused and hurting. As with any public issue, it starts at home but has to move into larger society eventually. This might entail challenging inflammatory statements or refusing to fuel certain conversations - situations that make mild-mannered, easygoing people like me uncomfortable. But if we don't act, who will?
Not long ago I was at a conference. Six or seven of us stood around making small talk about current events. One participant cracked a joke with ugly racial overtones about the President, coupled with hints of violence. The punch line hung in the air for a moment, probably because the rest of us were too dumbfounded to respond. Then one of my colleagues - a staunch Republican, by the way - said, "That's not funny."
Speaking up like she did takes courage. But if those of us who are concerned about civility and what the future holds for our kids don't stick out our necks, we have no grounds on which to judge young people for disrespectful behavior. It's time to take out the trash - before we bury ourselves in it.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Spirituality Outside the Lines - Seekers, Skeptics & Explorers
I'm amazed by the number of people I've met in the last decade who don't fit into any one religious "box." They draw inspiration from a number of traditions, and often feel uncomfortable in organized religious institutions. Most consider themselves lifelong seekers.
Here are a few resources for spiritual eclectics:
Here are a few resources for spiritual eclectics:
- Seeking Enlightenment Hat by Hat by mystery author Nevada Barr. A down-to-earth skeptic, Barr explains why she chose to convert to Christianity and join a neighborhood church.
- The Road Less Traveled and Different Drum by M. Scott Peck. These two books, written by another late convert who continued to appreciate the value of free inquiry and skepticism, are classics.
- The Red Book by Sera Beak. The intended audience is young women but anyone who has ever wondered if spirituality could be both practical and magical should read this. Check out her website spiritualcowgirl.com
- A Charmed Life by Patricia Telesco. For those who want to explore Pagan or Wiccan paths.
- Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn. A Zen-based guide to navigating life's rough waters. He heads the U. Mass. medical school's mindfulness program, the Omega Institute - eomega.org
- God's Politics by Jim Wallis of Sojourners, the organization for progressive, politically active Christians. See also
- Einstein's God - Conversations About God and the Human Spirit by Krista Tippett, who hosts the PBS radio program Speaking of Faith (speakingoffaith.publicradio.org).
- Create Your Personal Sacred Text by Bobbi Parish. The author leads readers through a process of reading passages from the world's sacred books such as the Bible, Koran and Vedas, then choosing passages to include in a personal book. After completing this step, she provides springboards for the reader to write her own sacred stories, poetry or sayings.
- Return to Love by Marianne Williams; As Above, So Below by Ronald Miller (definitely for seekers - it describes progressive variations on the largest world religions plus less well-known alternatives) ; To a Dancing God by Sam Keene.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
A2D
Summer is the time for class reunions and other events involving getting together with large numbers of people you might not see often. You may have been close at one time but grew apart over the years. Or you might be part of the same extended family but never quite saw eye-to-eye. Judging from the vast amount of literature - books, magazines, websites - on managing social or family-related holiday stress, a lot of people feel trepidation over these gatherings. Much of the stress seems to come from ongoing disagreements over lifestyle, politics, religion and other personal choices.
Although I haven't experienced the intense ongoing conflict that friends have described to me, I've been through a fair number of incidents where I felt uncomfortable and unsure how to respond. During one large event, one person arrived so amped up by a political cause she'd joined that she forced the topic into every conversation, loudly and aggressively. I had the sense that she was (perhaps subconsciously) looking for an argument, and I didn't feel like obliging her. Nor did I want her to leave the event with the impression that everyone felt the same way, which was what would happen if no one spoke up. At a smaller gathering, about 10 of us were sitting around the table, and someone made a statement about a certain group of people in a manner that implied we all agreed.
Both times I was stuck for words. It wasn't until my son, age 12 at the time, confessed to me that he'd had an argument with a cousin over religious beliefs that I decided to come up with better ways to deal with disagreement than either fighting or staying silent. After a lot of experimenting, I've noticed that one simple sentence does the trick most of the time: "We'll have to agree to disagree." I call it A2D.
A2D works because it lets the person pushing the envelope know that you don't agree but that you're not willing to duke it out. Of course, if you enjoy loud debates and stirring things up, it's not an issue. But if you'd rather spend precious time with friends or relatives enjoying their company, it's your right to refuse to argue. It's also your right to be treated respectfully. A2D is the most effective one-liner I've found that gets this message across.
Before heading out to another "do," I coached my son on various ways to respond to aggressive or hostile exchanges arising from differences of opinion. We rehearsed A2D and other scenarios. He felt more confident after that.
People who live outside the lines are especially susceptible to feeling like outsiders within their own family or school. Using A2D eliminates some of the stress engendered by feeling as though you have to defend who you are.
Although I haven't experienced the intense ongoing conflict that friends have described to me, I've been through a fair number of incidents where I felt uncomfortable and unsure how to respond. During one large event, one person arrived so amped up by a political cause she'd joined that she forced the topic into every conversation, loudly and aggressively. I had the sense that she was (perhaps subconsciously) looking for an argument, and I didn't feel like obliging her. Nor did I want her to leave the event with the impression that everyone felt the same way, which was what would happen if no one spoke up. At a smaller gathering, about 10 of us were sitting around the table, and someone made a statement about a certain group of people in a manner that implied we all agreed.
Both times I was stuck for words. It wasn't until my son, age 12 at the time, confessed to me that he'd had an argument with a cousin over religious beliefs that I decided to come up with better ways to deal with disagreement than either fighting or staying silent. After a lot of experimenting, I've noticed that one simple sentence does the trick most of the time: "We'll have to agree to disagree." I call it A2D.
A2D works because it lets the person pushing the envelope know that you don't agree but that you're not willing to duke it out. Of course, if you enjoy loud debates and stirring things up, it's not an issue. But if you'd rather spend precious time with friends or relatives enjoying their company, it's your right to refuse to argue. It's also your right to be treated respectfully. A2D is the most effective one-liner I've found that gets this message across.
Before heading out to another "do," I coached my son on various ways to respond to aggressive or hostile exchanges arising from differences of opinion. We rehearsed A2D and other scenarios. He felt more confident after that.
People who live outside the lines are especially susceptible to feeling like outsiders within their own family or school. Using A2D eliminates some of the stress engendered by feeling as though you have to defend who you are.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
The Guilty Bystander
When I was growing up back in the 70s, harassment and bullying weren't on the social radar, either at school or in the workplace. I vividly remember a classmate who was relentlessly hounded until her parents actually transferred her to another school. As far as I could tell, the only reason her tormentors decided she needed to be bullied was that she ran faster than any of the boys. It didn't take much to be "different" in the early 1970s, especially in a small parochial school. Living outside the lines was risky.
Counselors work with both bullies and victims but only recently have professionals turned their attention to the group called Bystanders. These are the people who know what's going on, know it's wrong but are afraid to take any risks inherent in helping the victim. In elementary school I was a bystander. I knew that the reasons my classmate's harassers gave for picking on her were silly and probably untrue, but I didn't speak up.
In certain settings, bystanders might be perfectly right about the fear of retaliation. School cliques can be cruel. Employees in companies with ruthless policies and no union protection can be fired for telling the truth. But the stubborn fact is that injustices don't usually change until someone challenges them. The challenge often begins when one person speaks up.
One of my intentions for this year is to get into the habit of speaking up for others who are being slammed. In the current economic and emotional climate this might include whole groups of people; hard times always produce scapegoats and underdogs are easy targets. For easygoing introverts, speaking up is a real pain - we'd rather kick back and shoot the breeze over a beer.
But in cases where another person's safety, livelihood, reputation or even life (remember the recent Phoebe Prince case, where the victim committed suicide?) are at stake, doing the right thing trumps personal comfort.
Although some of us are pretty good at blending in, the truth is that we're all a little quirky. The life we save may someday be our own.
Counselors work with both bullies and victims but only recently have professionals turned their attention to the group called Bystanders. These are the people who know what's going on, know it's wrong but are afraid to take any risks inherent in helping the victim. In elementary school I was a bystander. I knew that the reasons my classmate's harassers gave for picking on her were silly and probably untrue, but I didn't speak up.
In certain settings, bystanders might be perfectly right about the fear of retaliation. School cliques can be cruel. Employees in companies with ruthless policies and no union protection can be fired for telling the truth. But the stubborn fact is that injustices don't usually change until someone challenges them. The challenge often begins when one person speaks up.
One of my intentions for this year is to get into the habit of speaking up for others who are being slammed. In the current economic and emotional climate this might include whole groups of people; hard times always produce scapegoats and underdogs are easy targets. For easygoing introverts, speaking up is a real pain - we'd rather kick back and shoot the breeze over a beer.
But in cases where another person's safety, livelihood, reputation or even life (remember the recent Phoebe Prince case, where the victim committed suicide?) are at stake, doing the right thing trumps personal comfort.
Although some of us are pretty good at blending in, the truth is that we're all a little quirky. The life we save may someday be our own.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
The Anti-Helicopter
Once when our younger boy was in Scouts, he ran into a dilemma. If he didn't finish a certain project that evening, he wouldn't receive an expected award the next day. However, he'd allowed household tasks to build up as well, and they also needed to be finished that evening because of an outside deadline. He'd had the opportunity to finish both tasks over the weekend but chose to delay them. If he finished the Scout project later, he'd get the award next month.
The den leader called me and asked if I would accomodate his need for extra time for the project. I explained to her that he'd brought the situation about via his choices and we felt that he might have the opportunity to learn an important lesson in delayed gratification and time management. Nevertheless, we would help him figure out possible ways to complete both tasks, if he wanted.
He did the household work and didn't quite finish the scout project. The leader gave him the badge anyway. "He worked so hard on it during meetings," she said.
All I could think was, "What does this teach him?" That he doesn't have to manage his time, keep agreements, make difficult choices or complete things on time? That someone will bail him out when he doesn't follow through?
For the last 20 years, mainstream American parents have been so devoted to helping their kids "get ahead" that sometimes anything goes. Acting responsibly, contributing to the household/family and even treating others well have fallen by the wayside. Helicopter parenting has been the gold standard - if you don't type your kid's papers for him, do all the cooking and dishes so he can focus on get-ahead activities, or pay his way through college, you're a slacker.
Yet from what I can see, copter parenting hasn't created responsible young adults. It seems to keep a lot of "kiddults" stuck. Maybe those of us who anti-helicopters did the right thing. Only time will tell.
The den leader called me and asked if I would accomodate his need for extra time for the project. I explained to her that he'd brought the situation about via his choices and we felt that he might have the opportunity to learn an important lesson in delayed gratification and time management. Nevertheless, we would help him figure out possible ways to complete both tasks, if he wanted.
He did the household work and didn't quite finish the scout project. The leader gave him the badge anyway. "He worked so hard on it during meetings," she said.
All I could think was, "What does this teach him?" That he doesn't have to manage his time, keep agreements, make difficult choices or complete things on time? That someone will bail him out when he doesn't follow through?
For the last 20 years, mainstream American parents have been so devoted to helping their kids "get ahead" that sometimes anything goes. Acting responsibly, contributing to the household/family and even treating others well have fallen by the wayside. Helicopter parenting has been the gold standard - if you don't type your kid's papers for him, do all the cooking and dishes so he can focus on get-ahead activities, or pay his way through college, you're a slacker.
Yet from what I can see, copter parenting hasn't created responsible young adults. It seems to keep a lot of "kiddults" stuck. Maybe those of us who anti-helicopters did the right thing. Only time will tell.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Parenting Outside the Lines
Nowhere did I feel more out of sync with those around me than my new-mom days almost 20 years ago. We still lived in the homogeneous suburb into which we'd landed when we moved back to the Northwest. All around me, other mothers of young children were loading up minivans and SUVs with kid paraphernalia whenever they went anywhere...enrolling their offspring in every enrichment activity that could be crammed into the schedule... "staying home" so that they could spend their days chauffeuring kids all over creation...and buying stuff for the kids. Lots of stuff.
My husband Tom worked as an assistant in a school district program for the children of farm workers. People who work with low-income Spanish speakers don't make lots of money themselves, so I always had to work as well. During an era when staying home was trendy (rather than being seen as one choice among many), this automatically downscaled me. So did not having the kidstuff and the minivan in which to cram it. My then-teenage stepson resented our "poor" lifestyle.
The problem was that his dad and I didn't feel poor. The house was small but comfortable. We ate well, mostly because we grew many of our own vegetables and we both cook. We found plenty of free and cheap things to do on weekends. Best of all, we were both extremely fit and could walk everywhere. Why would anyone feel sorry for us?
We moved into a downtown neighborhood, boy #1 graduated and left for college, and boy #2 went through school. In this neighborhood our thrifty habits and anti-career jobs weren't out of place. However, another way of being the Very Oddmother presented itself. This was during the late 1990s through about 2005, when the frenzy of "scheduled family hyperactivity" reached its height, along with the glorification of the Helicopter Mom. Any woman who didn't spend every waking minute helping her children be all that they could be was a slacker.
Tom didn't want to give up hiking, I chose to keep on writing and neither of us thought that excusing kids from household work in order to facilitate soccer superstardom provided good role modeling. We made a family rule: each of us could have two activities. Each member gets some of what he wants, but no one gets everything he wants. And all family members contribute to the smooth functioning of the household via useful work (usually called Chores).
Both boys had to earn a certain percentage of expensive wish-list items, such as electronics, by saving allowance, doing yardwork around the neighborhood or eventually, getting a part time job. At age 12, Noel bought his Xbox after saving for nearly 16 months (we paid roughly one-third the cost).
Some of my collegues in the PTSA and other parent groups seemed shocked by this, and by the limits we set on extracurricular activities. But to me, it makes sense: part of the job of parents is to prepare children for adult life, and kids won't be prepared if they don't have basic life skills.
Parenting outside the lines means challenging some basic North American practices:
My husband Tom worked as an assistant in a school district program for the children of farm workers. People who work with low-income Spanish speakers don't make lots of money themselves, so I always had to work as well. During an era when staying home was trendy (rather than being seen as one choice among many), this automatically downscaled me. So did not having the kidstuff and the minivan in which to cram it. My then-teenage stepson resented our "poor" lifestyle.
The problem was that his dad and I didn't feel poor. The house was small but comfortable. We ate well, mostly because we grew many of our own vegetables and we both cook. We found plenty of free and cheap things to do on weekends. Best of all, we were both extremely fit and could walk everywhere. Why would anyone feel sorry for us?
We moved into a downtown neighborhood, boy #1 graduated and left for college, and boy #2 went through school. In this neighborhood our thrifty habits and anti-career jobs weren't out of place. However, another way of being the Very Oddmother presented itself. This was during the late 1990s through about 2005, when the frenzy of "scheduled family hyperactivity" reached its height, along with the glorification of the Helicopter Mom. Any woman who didn't spend every waking minute helping her children be all that they could be was a slacker.
Tom didn't want to give up hiking, I chose to keep on writing and neither of us thought that excusing kids from household work in order to facilitate soccer superstardom provided good role modeling. We made a family rule: each of us could have two activities. Each member gets some of what he wants, but no one gets everything he wants. And all family members contribute to the smooth functioning of the household via useful work (usually called Chores).
Both boys had to earn a certain percentage of expensive wish-list items, such as electronics, by saving allowance, doing yardwork around the neighborhood or eventually, getting a part time job. At age 12, Noel bought his Xbox after saving for nearly 16 months (we paid roughly one-third the cost).
Some of my collegues in the PTSA and other parent groups seemed shocked by this, and by the limits we set on extracurricular activities. But to me, it makes sense: part of the job of parents is to prepare children for adult life, and kids won't be prepared if they don't have basic life skills.
Parenting outside the lines means challenging some basic North American practices:
- Excusing kids from work at home so that they can devote all their time to superachieving at school.
- Buying something simply because all the "it" kids have it.
- Driving kids everywhere when bicycling, walking, taking the city bus or carpooling are options.
- Mistaking good grades for signs of learning or high test scores for evidence of intelligence.
- Insistently railroading all kids towards "college" (the 4-year university) even when the child's interests and abilities lie elsewhere, such as in the trades.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
One More Thing About Work...
Before I go on to another topic, I'd like to emphasize that if you're a Living Outside the Lines person, especially on the job, it's vital keep a bunch of irons in the fire. No matter how demanding your job is, don't let it usurp time for family, friends, community and solo pursuits. You need as many sources of satisfaction as possible, and as many people in your cheering section as you can gather. The people, places and activities we love are like water, and when a large patch of your day feels like a desert, small springs here and there can be life-savers. Here are a few concrete small actions you can take now to make sure your "springs" don't dry up:
Spend the last half hour of the day talking to your spouse or partner - but not about business.
Tuck young kids into bed and tell them you love them.
Send a quick "hello" email to a friend.
Take a walk through your neighborhood and greet whomever you meet.
Call a long-distance family member during lunch break or on the weekend.
...you can probably come up with a number of other ways. Happy watering!
Spend the last half hour of the day talking to your spouse or partner - but not about business.
Tuck young kids into bed and tell them you love them.
Send a quick "hello" email to a friend.
Take a walk through your neighborhood and greet whomever you meet.
Call a long-distance family member during lunch break or on the weekend.
...you can probably come up with a number of other ways. Happy watering!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Odd One Out
What about when you're the odd one out at your workplace? Maybe it's because your political or religious beliefs don't mesh with everyone around you, because you live differently or because your family background sets you apart. Whatever the reason, if your differences are a major issue for your co-workers and the corporate culture in your workplace discourages openness, feeling out of place can make your work difficult.
There are things you can do to make it easier:
There are things you can do to make it easier:
- Have a vibrant life outside of the job. Cultivate friendships and family relationships, delve into outside interests, find community activities or join groups. For me, this has been a lifesaver at times.
- See if there is one person at work who seems a little more open than everyone else. If she seems receptive, approach her for advice or help in small work-related matters.
- Keep track of your contributions to various projects. Make sure that even if you're left out of the loop, your work is beyond criticism.
- Keep encouraging items around you - photos, something from home, an item or picture that represents a dream you have, such as starting your own business.
- Have rewards planned, both short-term (the end of your workweek) and long-term (sticking with the job for a year).
- Poll your friends and networks outside your job - has anyone you know experienced this problem? How did they handle it? Are they interested in forming a support group (F2F or virtual)?
- See yourself as the person who could bring a breath of fresh air to your workplace. Even if the atmosphere is so uncongenial that you plan to move on as soon as possible, you might be the one to put a crack in the wall.
- If the environment is oppressive, start a job search campaign even if times are tough. The search itself will help you feel as though you're moving forward even if you don't produce noticeable results immediately.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Great Blogs
For inspiration to help you live your most authentic life, check out this blog. Reading the entries has jump-started my own motivation to make changes.
notesonpassion.com
Like me, you might be moved to try living as if "the universe is conspiring to shower you with blessings" (from "Pronoia"). Author Rob Breszny (he does the Free Will Astrology column that appears in Willamette Weekly & other papers) has a website -
beautyandtruth.com
notesonpassion.com
Like me, you might be moved to try living as if "the universe is conspiring to shower you with blessings" (from "Pronoia"). Author Rob Breszny (he does the Free Will Astrology column that appears in Willamette Weekly & other papers) has a website -
beautyandtruth.com
Your Mission, Should You Choose To Accept It...
During a long drive to an event, a colleague confessed to me that although he'd been working with our group for a number of years, he still didn't feel as if he belonged. All the members were basically friendly, yet there seemed to be an impenetrable bond between longtime members that made it difficult for new people to feel included. His words struck a chord with me. I had been working with this group for nearly a decade and had similar experiences.
As we discussed what we might do about this, I remembered something I'd read during the past week. I'd picked up an interesting book from the shelving cart at the library Pronoia is the Antidote to Paranoia: How the Universe is Conspiring to Shower You With Blessings by Rob Breszny. The title sounded intriguing so I took it home.
The book is packed with ways to turn mundane life into a magical journey. The idea that jumped out at me is one Breszny calls "The Secret Job Title." He invites each reader to choose a special contribution to bring to the job and carry it out each day. Our official job titles - Sales Associate, Receptionist, Teacher - are conferred upon us by our employers. Secret job titles - Listener, Healer, Energizer, Court Jester - are totally up to us. Choosing a value to embody or service to provide breathes new life into tired tasks. And the secrecy element adds a subversive thrill; your fire-breathing dragon of a coworker or manager doesn't know that there's a Peacemaker working behind the scenes to put out fires.
In the car, I suddenly had one of those rare synchronistic moments when it all came together. In this group, in a committee I'd been co-chairing and at my son's school I'd noticed how cliquish behavior was preventing members from doing their best work, driving new members away and generating bad feelings all around. I'd seen it happen in PTA committees, volunteer efforts, church choirs, book groups and at work. Over the past year "Cliques v. Inclusion" had become a constant theme.
My own secret job title popped out in front of me, wrapped, tied with a bow and ready to go: Inclusion Specialist.
I wrote out a job description. It included helping newcomers to any group of which I was a member feel welcome by soliciting their input and showing them the ropes. Where exclusion seemed accidental, I could gently prod the excluders towards widening the circle. When I suspected that the big chill was intentional, I'd challenge the behavior in as non-threatening a manner as possible. And if full inclusion was being hampered by the existence of a tight inner circle, I could create an alternative for the outsiders.
Being an Inclusion Specialist hasn't eliminated all the problems involved in working with groups, and having a secret job hasn't miraculously zapped occasional boredom. However, it has given me a sense of purpose I can take to any activity.
Having a secret mission is especially empowering during the dark times we all go through. Chronic discouragement from working in a disheartening environment can turn a creative mind into a dismal echo chamber that runs endless tape loops: "No one appreciates me...why do I bother...things'll never change." Having a special purpose helps us take our focus off ourselves, gets us out of our own heads and into a place where we can make a difference.
An acquaintance who has been looking for work for nearly a year found out that when he decided to act as an Encourager for his fellow job hunters at the state employment office, his own situation changed. He feels better about himself and apparently this comes across to employers. This week he's had a second interview at a place he admires.
Having a secret job or mission doesn't cost a thing. It doesn't require extra training, meetings, software upgrades, a new image or PR campaigns. Best of all, secret missions are portable. We can take them anywhere and in doing so, we transform not only our world but ourselves.
As we discussed what we might do about this, I remembered something I'd read during the past week. I'd picked up an interesting book from the shelving cart at the library Pronoia is the Antidote to Paranoia: How the Universe is Conspiring to Shower You With Blessings by Rob Breszny. The title sounded intriguing so I took it home.
The book is packed with ways to turn mundane life into a magical journey. The idea that jumped out at me is one Breszny calls "The Secret Job Title." He invites each reader to choose a special contribution to bring to the job and carry it out each day. Our official job titles - Sales Associate, Receptionist, Teacher - are conferred upon us by our employers. Secret job titles - Listener, Healer, Energizer, Court Jester - are totally up to us. Choosing a value to embody or service to provide breathes new life into tired tasks. And the secrecy element adds a subversive thrill; your fire-breathing dragon of a coworker or manager doesn't know that there's a Peacemaker working behind the scenes to put out fires.
In the car, I suddenly had one of those rare synchronistic moments when it all came together. In this group, in a committee I'd been co-chairing and at my son's school I'd noticed how cliquish behavior was preventing members from doing their best work, driving new members away and generating bad feelings all around. I'd seen it happen in PTA committees, volunteer efforts, church choirs, book groups and at work. Over the past year "Cliques v. Inclusion" had become a constant theme.
My own secret job title popped out in front of me, wrapped, tied with a bow and ready to go: Inclusion Specialist.
I wrote out a job description. It included helping newcomers to any group of which I was a member feel welcome by soliciting their input and showing them the ropes. Where exclusion seemed accidental, I could gently prod the excluders towards widening the circle. When I suspected that the big chill was intentional, I'd challenge the behavior in as non-threatening a manner as possible. And if full inclusion was being hampered by the existence of a tight inner circle, I could create an alternative for the outsiders.
Being an Inclusion Specialist hasn't eliminated all the problems involved in working with groups, and having a secret job hasn't miraculously zapped occasional boredom. However, it has given me a sense of purpose I can take to any activity.
Having a secret mission is especially empowering during the dark times we all go through. Chronic discouragement from working in a disheartening environment can turn a creative mind into a dismal echo chamber that runs endless tape loops: "No one appreciates me...why do I bother...things'll never change." Having a special purpose helps us take our focus off ourselves, gets us out of our own heads and into a place where we can make a difference.
An acquaintance who has been looking for work for nearly a year found out that when he decided to act as an Encourager for his fellow job hunters at the state employment office, his own situation changed. He feels better about himself and apparently this comes across to employers. This week he's had a second interview at a place he admires.
Having a secret job or mission doesn't cost a thing. It doesn't require extra training, meetings, software upgrades, a new image or PR campaigns. Best of all, secret missions are portable. We can take them anywhere and in doing so, we transform not only our world but ourselves.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
No OT Please!
Throughout the years that we had one young child and sometimes a teenager at home, my husband and I both worked outside the home. Since we didn't want to miss the fleeting childhood years, we both tried to keep work in its proper place. We mostly succeeded, but sometimes it was hard.
When my son was still a toddler, I had a 4-month temp stint with a local governmental agency. I'd been working there about 16 hpw, running a home business and taking care of things at home. One December day my supervisor informed me that since all her secretaries were going on vacation the week after Christmas, she needed me there full time. I explained to her that I ran a business at home as well and had more work than I could handle at the moment. Although I didn't say it aloud, I remember thinking that she'd given me less than 2 days' notice for this abrupt change. She simply said "I need you here." As if that was the only consideration.
Now, nearly 20 years later, I'm more assertive than I was back then. Today I'd say "no." But that year I worked 60 hours the week after Christmas and missed several important family events.
If work gets out of balance it skews the overall quality of life. Learning to say "no" is hard but not impossible. When I look back on my experience, I realize that I could have legitimately turned down my boss's request since she hadn't given me enough notice. She could have called in another temp for that week. The world would not have come to an end.
These days I'm clear about how much I'm willing to give to each activity, and I let the people in charge know my limits. That way, we start off without any misunderstandings. Whenever you're about to start a new venture, whether it's a job, volunteer commitment or project, take a moment to decide how much time you're able to give it, and when. Clarify your availability during the interview. It greatly decreases the chance of miscommunication.
When my son was still a toddler, I had a 4-month temp stint with a local governmental agency. I'd been working there about 16 hpw, running a home business and taking care of things at home. One December day my supervisor informed me that since all her secretaries were going on vacation the week after Christmas, she needed me there full time. I explained to her that I ran a business at home as well and had more work than I could handle at the moment. Although I didn't say it aloud, I remember thinking that she'd given me less than 2 days' notice for this abrupt change. She simply said "I need you here." As if that was the only consideration.
Now, nearly 20 years later, I'm more assertive than I was back then. Today I'd say "no." But that year I worked 60 hours the week after Christmas and missed several important family events.
If work gets out of balance it skews the overall quality of life. Learning to say "no" is hard but not impossible. When I look back on my experience, I realize that I could have legitimately turned down my boss's request since she hadn't given me enough notice. She could have called in another temp for that week. The world would not have come to an end.
These days I'm clear about how much I'm willing to give to each activity, and I let the people in charge know my limits. That way, we start off without any misunderstandings. Whenever you're about to start a new venture, whether it's a job, volunteer commitment or project, take a moment to decide how much time you're able to give it, and when. Clarify your availability during the interview. It greatly decreases the chance of miscommunication.
Monday, May 17, 2010
work v. Work
Many of us who feel out of step with popular culture have a different vision of work. The predominant idea goes something like this: go to college, pick a major, get your first "real" job, make good, move up. But what if your idea of a satisfying life encompasses more than what you do for a living?
I call this the work v. Work dilemma. Work with a capital "W" includes what you believe to be your purpose in life. At various times in your life, Work might include raising kids and managing a household, organizing a community endeavor, working on a cause or making art. If you have a passion for it, no job, however good, will be enough. It's imperative that you find a way to fit your life's work into your schedule on a regular basis. For ideas on how to do this, check out these resources:
I call this the work v. Work dilemma. Work with a capital "W" includes what you believe to be your purpose in life. At various times in your life, Work might include raising kids and managing a household, organizing a community endeavor, working on a cause or making art. If you have a passion for it, no job, however good, will be enough. It's imperative that you find a way to fit your life's work into your schedule on a regular basis. For ideas on how to do this, check out these resources:
- Barbara Sher was helping people live their dreams long before the idea of life coaching was invented. If you haven't read Wishcraft, get ahold of it now. She's written a number of other helpful books, runs telecourses and workshops and has several websites. Check out http://www.barbarasher.com/
- Margaret Lobenstine specializes in helping the people she calls "Renaissance Souls," those who have many interests or passions and who don't want to limit themselves to one. Her book The Renaissance Soul has an expecially helpful section on making the most of your day job. Go to http://www.togetunstuck.com/about.htm
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Not long ago I happened upon a book that changed the way I see myself. It's called Secrets of a Buccaneer Scholar: How Self-Education and Pursuit of a Passion Can Lead to a Lifetime of Success, by James Marcus Bach. Since I've always been an information hound, studying interests on my own, the title intrigued me. Bach's general philosophy is that true learning happens when the student studies something that genuinely interests her - not because she needs grades, credits or credentials.
Many of us who find ourselves out of step with the majority of people around us are motivated more by passions or purpose than by outward rewards like social standing. Using purpose as a sort of anchor can help us stay grounded during times when life seems out of tune. Defining your purpose (it is self-defined; no one else can tell you what it is) can be the first step to establishing a life that feels authentic.
Many of us who find ourselves out of step with the majority of people around us are motivated more by passions or purpose than by outward rewards like social standing. Using purpose as a sort of anchor can help us stay grounded during times when life seems out of tune. Defining your purpose (it is self-defined; no one else can tell you what it is) can be the first step to establishing a life that feels authentic.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Living Outside the Lines
How has living differently from those around you affected your life? I've known people who relished the edgy feeling of challenging old viewpoints and asserting themselves. However, I'm not one of them. I'm fairly reserved and quiet by nature, so for me it's always been a challenge to say things like "I disagree" or "that's not how I want to spend my time."
But if you have definite goals you're working towards or values that affect how you live, and those values conflict with those of family and friends, you've got to find ways to be firm yet keep good relations. This is something I'll be exploring in future posts. I invite your input.
But if you have definite goals you're working towards or values that affect how you live, and those values conflict with those of family and friends, you've got to find ways to be firm yet keep good relations. This is something I'll be exploring in future posts. I invite your input.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Marching to a Different Drum?
This is for everyone who feels as though they've spent their entire lives coloring outside the lines, whether as parents, students, employees, community members, consumers or citizens. My goal is to facilitate friendships, encourage conversations, generate ideas and make it possible to help each other. Even now in 2010, when it's easier than ever to celebrate individuality and diversity, there's a lot of pressure to conform.
I've found this to be especially true while parenting school-age kids; being a "helicopter mom" and a cheerleader are such pervasive expectations that if you don't go along with the game, you feel like a slacker.
A friend of mine feels as though she's always the one with the outside-the-box ideas at work. The fact that some of those wacky ideas have saved her company thousands of dollars doesn't make it any easier for her to be taken seriously by her cautious coworkers.
One of my colleagues consistently speaks up for homeless and at-risk young people. She's helped many of those kids find homes and jobs or enroll in school, thereby getting them off the streets. Her neighbors, however, find her passion a little strange - after all, these aren't her kids.
If being genuine and living an authentic life are more important to you than being hip, respectable, powerful or whatever the measuring standard for your age group and community may be, this blog's for you. Sailing against prevailing winds takes stamina. We need to encourage each other. I hope this blog can help out.
I've found this to be especially true while parenting school-age kids; being a "helicopter mom" and a cheerleader are such pervasive expectations that if you don't go along with the game, you feel like a slacker.
A friend of mine feels as though she's always the one with the outside-the-box ideas at work. The fact that some of those wacky ideas have saved her company thousands of dollars doesn't make it any easier for her to be taken seriously by her cautious coworkers.
One of my colleagues consistently speaks up for homeless and at-risk young people. She's helped many of those kids find homes and jobs or enroll in school, thereby getting them off the streets. Her neighbors, however, find her passion a little strange - after all, these aren't her kids.
If being genuine and living an authentic life are more important to you than being hip, respectable, powerful or whatever the measuring standard for your age group and community may be, this blog's for you. Sailing against prevailing winds takes stamina. We need to encourage each other. I hope this blog can help out.
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