What Introverts Want You To Know, But Might Not Tell You

...or, what extroverts need to know about (and can learn from) introverts

Two of my friends went through divorces at roughly the same time. Marianne made daily calls to each friend in her circle to hash out the details and talked with her sister for hours. Patricia went on long walks by herself, only confiding in a couple of close friends after she'd had a chance to think things over.

Patricia's family worried about her - surely it wasn't normal or healthy, spending that much time alone during a crisis? What I wish I could have told them is that "normal" depends on who you are. Marianne is an extrovert; she processes events by talking them out. Patricia, on the other hand, is an introvert who processes by thinking them out.

It has always seemed to me that many misunderstandings arise from differences in temperament and personality. According to the official stats in almost every pop psych book I've read, introverts are in the minority in the U.S. (although in certain other countries, including Japan, they're the majority, which makes me wonder how much of our personalities are due to cultural expectations). Since I'm one of them, I decided to offer some pointers on how to understand us. And since I'm married to an extrovert, I can also give a few communication tips to introverts based on what's worked.

Good to Know:

• Introverts are often mistaken for being shy or lonely. However, quietness and shyness aren't the same thing. We might not be the most chatty people in the room but we're not afraid of talking to people in general.
• If an introvert friend or partner tells you that she needs some space, she's not putting you off. Intros have a lower point of saturation when it comes to noise, stimuli and chitchat. Fifteen minutes at the mall the Friday after Thanksgiving would drive me screaming to the parking lot; a few of my extrovert friends love the crowds and chaos.
  
• Every intro I've every known, myself included, needs some solitude every day. Without it we get cranky. Personally, I can't process the day's events when someone's talking incessantly or with TV in the background. That's why many of us defend whatever private space we may have, no matter how small. I have a friend who's kept her car even though her partner wants her to sell it so they can be a one-car household; her car is often the only available place she can go for solo time.
• Our silence is often mistaken for 1) being available to listen, 2) not having an opinion on the subject at hand or 3) agreeing with the speaker. Again, not necessarily true. We just prefer to get plenty of information and think up the best possible response before delivering it.

What Introverts Can Contribute (If We're Allowed!)

• In a group, an introvert may be the person most keyed in to others' moods and to group undercurrents, aspects of group work that a committee chair or department manager (often an extro) might not notice. Often it's the below-surface interpersonal stuff, not a specific task, that causes problems. If someone appears quiet but observant, it pays to ask her what's up.
• Intros take longer to make decisions but we think things through carefully. And most of us are good communicators once we decide what to say - we get to the point but are generally careful of others' feelings.
• Intros often have right-on observations about what's happening, whether they're on the job or off. Some intros watch rather than participate, and so see things others miss. And people often talk to us simply because we listen.
• An intro might not have thousands of friends, but his friendships are deep and loyal. This extends to bonds within any group or workplace.

How Introverts Can Help Extroverts Relate

• Don't expect others to guess what's going on in your head. If someone's pressing you for an answer you're not ready to give, just say "I usually need a day or so to think about stuff like this. I'll get back to you." If you arrive home from work exhausted and don't feel up to listening to a chatty extro family member, say "I need to chill out first - how about meeting up in fifteen minutes?"
  
• If you don't agree with someone but don't want to engage in a debate, use "We'll have to agree to disagree." It lets your listener know that your opinion differs but you're not interested in arguing. I love this line - it's the best way I've found to prevent Doormat Syndrome.
• Make an effort to speak up if you feel strongly about something. At first you might feel (and be treated) like wallpaper, especially if you have a history of silence. But after awhile it gets easier.

Wanted: A Cause

The other day I experienced an unexpected rush of empathy for a young friend who’s trying to find ways to assert her individuality, something we all have to do eventually. Like her Woodstocker parents during the 60s, she wants to be radically daring and different. But like many of us during our younger days, she sometimes mistakes defiance and disrespect for assertiveness and individuality. This landed her in trouble at school. What’s a rebel-without-a-cause to do?

What I want to tell her is this: the best way to rebel against the prevailing mood of the moment is to treat people well. Remember that we’re all individuals, not faceless pieces of our various groups and affiliations. Given the drama of the previous decade, where demonizing those who disagree with us – loudly and publicly - became standard practice, the simple refusal to see others as stereotypes might be the most subversive thing any of us can do.

The key to breaking out of the box is one-to-one contact. The neighbors in my block-watch area, which consists of about 15 households, are such a motley mixture of backgrounds and opinions that if we were all running for office and held a political debate amongst ourselves, World War III might ensue. But as neighbors we get along well.

One of my neighbors is a “birther” who always carries a concealed weapon. I’d hate to meet him in a dark alley, especially since his eyesight isn’t so good anymore. He and I would probably disagree on every point. Yet he’s a great neighbor. When I meet him on the street, he always asks about various members of my family. He puts out bowls of food for the neighborhood’s stray cats. And since he has insomnia he sits out on his porch at 2 a.m., something that I as the block watch facilitator can appreciate.

He and his wife regularly go out to dinner with the neighbors across the alley from us, a husband and wife who are lifelong Dems with a liberal populist bent. I don’t know what they talk about over their pizza, but despite their differences of opinion they’ve remained good friends.

I think the secret is that they’ve gotten to know each other as human beings. When we get acquainted with someone on the personal level, the relationship ceases to be “Us v. Them.” Villianizing an entire group of people is much easier to do when we aren’t challenged to put a human face on any of its members.

During the last ten years or so, villianizing “Them,” whoever our particular them might be, has become so standard that most of us don’t even notice it anymore. Purple prose and inflammatory talk radio have become part of the emotional wallpaper. The comment threads on the editorial page of almost any newspaper website are so peppered with “idiot” and “moron” that it’s often difficult to find the actual ideas hidden within these posts.

A nation full of adults indulging in a collective tantrum puts teenage rebels out of work. That’s why I might suggest to my young friend that if she wants to be truly rad, she could refuse to join the grownups. She could make it a point to not yell, either out loud or onscreen. She could realize that verbal bullying says more about the bully than the intended target. She could acknowledge that epithets and name-calling are poor substitutes for good ideas. She could see that being chronically angry isn’t a virtue. That merely having a strong opinion doesn’t justify violence, whether it’s physical, verbal or emotional.

Above all, she could insist on seeing everyone she encounters as a real person, and treating that person with respect whether or not she agrees with them. For those of us who haven’t made this a lifetime habit, it’s incredibly difficult to do on a consistent basis. It’s much harder than writing blog posts, organizing a rally or even voting with our wallets.
But one-to-one is the level at which meaningful change starts. Working on that level, my friend will be able to challenge the status quo, but in a way that serves a worthwhile purpose. She’ll be a rebel with a cause.

It will make a world of difference for her and a difference in the world.

©Geri Hoekzema, Yellow House ProductionsWanted: A Cause