Thirteen years ago (I calculate this by Noel's age - he was 6 then) I received a call from our next door neighbor Laurie, the single mother of a 6-month old baby. She worked as a food server at one of Vancouver's then-premier restaurants, one that offered a Mother's Day brunch and would certainly be booked up. Her request: would I be willing to babysit her daughter Anna that day, and take the baby to the restaurant during Laurie's lunch break so she could spend 30 minutes with her child?
Laurie's lunch break conflicted with plans our household had made for that day. Nonetheless, I had no problem telling Laurie that we - my entire household - would be delighted to help her. After all, she not only had to work on Mothers Day, she didn't have a partner with whom to collaborate arrangements.
I remember that particular day being a little more rushed than it would have been if Laurie hadn't called us, but whatever we did for her (and the details have gotten hazy in my mind), it didn't impinge on our plans to any significant degree. And we were able to help someone who otherwise would not have been able to spend any part of a culturally significant day with her daughter.
I wasn't being totally altruistic when I told our neighbor that we could help her. I was operating from the memory of what it had been like for me when Noel was 9 months old and I had to work 50 hours a week throughout the Christmas holiday season. I hated every minute that I was away from him, but as the only employed adult in the household during a recession, I didn't see much choice. The memory of that December is what drove me to offer Laurie our help, and it has driven me ever since.
In an ideal economy & society all parents, whether moms or dads, can get adequate maternity or paternity leave when the child is born or adopted, have a humane weekly work schedule that allows them to connect with their kids and still earn enough to support the family, and get time off to enjoy special days with their children. But we don't live in an ideal society. As a result, many parents are faced with the choice of either spending time connecting with family or keeping a job.
It shouldn't be this way. But it is. Many of the customer service staff waiting tables on Mothers' Day or Christmas or Easter are themselves parents. What separates them from the customers sitting at the tables isn't necessarily brains or education or career savvy. It's luck. I know it's au currant to believe that we create our own reality (New Age), pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps (American tradition) or can pray our way to success (Prosperity Protestantism) but for me, the fact is that random events like economic downturns and the actions of family members exert enormous influence. Blaming Laurie for her situation would have been like telling an 11-year old rape victim that she shouldn't have worn shorts on a 95-degree August day.
So on that Mothers' Day more than a decade ago, I decided to help our neighbor even though I can't say I was enthusiastic about it. My luck with jobs had been good that year, but I knew that it could just have easily been otherwise.
Today I enjoyed the best possible Mothers' Day that I could have now that Noel is grown & living on his own: I was able to sing with my friends in a beautiful setting, for an ever-changing audience of moms and their families. Now that I'm past the age that requires attendance at child-driven festivities, I can help other parents enjoy their special day.
I hope that if there were any moms like Laurie in the crowd, they received special blessings that will carry them through the times that they can't "be there." Sometimes the seemingly random actions of a stranger or the reluctant help of a busy neighbor are the very thing that ferries you over the rapids into safety.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Here's to Mothers and Mothers-In-Spirit
It's always seemed to me that instead of observing separate Mothers' & Fathers' days, we should perhaps hold an annual Honor-the-Caretakers day. This would be a more realistic reflection of how life seems to work.
My own mom died when I was 14, after years of battling cancer. She did what she could for me and my five younger siblings but towards the end, she couldn't do much. However, all six of us were cared for by various adults. I was fortunate to have had 6 or 7 mother figures in my life.
One "mother" was my Aunt Marge who, with my Uncle John, took in my four youngest siblings. They already had two kids of their own and a third on the way. Another of my "mothers" was a woman who'd known my mom, and with whose family my brother and I lived so that we could remain in Seattle and graduate from the high school we'd been attending. A woman for whom I babysat turned out to be yet another "mother." My best friend's mom (now my brother's mother-in-law) also felt like a sort of mother. And so on.
Over the decades, in fact, I've known numerous women who have felt like temporary mothers, ersatz aunts and the older sister I always wish I'd had. Some of them have never had biological children of their own. Some have never been married or partnered. One, in fact, is a nun. And one of the most nurturing friends I've ever had was a gay guy who lived down the hall from me in our rooming house on Capitol Hill in Seattle; when I was sick with an awful cold, he brought over a pot of his amazing homemade chicken soup.
In my mind this doesn't make them any less "mother" than the women who have had children. Motherly & Fatherly energy or spirit has very little to do with actually giving birth. It's possible to have a dozen kids and never quite connect with the spirit of caretaking. This spirit can develop in someone after she or he has had a child, but some people have it in abundance no matter what their life circumstances. For those with children, this parental spirit is an energy that extends beyond their own biological children to include the children of others. In some people, this spirit encompasses all kids. Mother Teresa must have been one of those people.
This has made me realize that even though my own child rearing years seem to be mostly over, I can keep an eye out for kids or young people who might need a dose of mom energy. And since sometimes even adults can use a shot of it, I need to give adequate time and attention to friends who are mutually supportive.
By now everyone's familiar with the saying "It takes a village to raise a child." In the case of me and my sibs, it sometimes took an entire metropolis. The village nature of our upbringing became clear to me once I recognized all the people who helped me reach adulthood. And it reminds me that the village continues to need me now that I'm on my way to becoming an elder.
Happy Mothers' Day to moms, aunts, sisters, grandmas, foster moms, caretakers, guardians, "big sisters" & mentors, and all those who mother!
My own mom died when I was 14, after years of battling cancer. She did what she could for me and my five younger siblings but towards the end, she couldn't do much. However, all six of us were cared for by various adults. I was fortunate to have had 6 or 7 mother figures in my life.
One "mother" was my Aunt Marge who, with my Uncle John, took in my four youngest siblings. They already had two kids of their own and a third on the way. Another of my "mothers" was a woman who'd known my mom, and with whose family my brother and I lived so that we could remain in Seattle and graduate from the high school we'd been attending. A woman for whom I babysat turned out to be yet another "mother." My best friend's mom (now my brother's mother-in-law) also felt like a sort of mother. And so on.
Over the decades, in fact, I've known numerous women who have felt like temporary mothers, ersatz aunts and the older sister I always wish I'd had. Some of them have never had biological children of their own. Some have never been married or partnered. One, in fact, is a nun. And one of the most nurturing friends I've ever had was a gay guy who lived down the hall from me in our rooming house on Capitol Hill in Seattle; when I was sick with an awful cold, he brought over a pot of his amazing homemade chicken soup.
In my mind this doesn't make them any less "mother" than the women who have had children. Motherly & Fatherly energy or spirit has very little to do with actually giving birth. It's possible to have a dozen kids and never quite connect with the spirit of caretaking. This spirit can develop in someone after she or he has had a child, but some people have it in abundance no matter what their life circumstances. For those with children, this parental spirit is an energy that extends beyond their own biological children to include the children of others. In some people, this spirit encompasses all kids. Mother Teresa must have been one of those people.
This has made me realize that even though my own child rearing years seem to be mostly over, I can keep an eye out for kids or young people who might need a dose of mom energy. And since sometimes even adults can use a shot of it, I need to give adequate time and attention to friends who are mutually supportive.
By now everyone's familiar with the saying "It takes a village to raise a child." In the case of me and my sibs, it sometimes took an entire metropolis. The village nature of our upbringing became clear to me once I recognized all the people who helped me reach adulthood. And it reminds me that the village continues to need me now that I'm on my way to becoming an elder.
Happy Mothers' Day to moms, aunts, sisters, grandmas, foster moms, caretakers, guardians, "big sisters" & mentors, and all those who mother!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Taking Retirement in Installments
One of my favorite lines from a fictional character came from mystery writer John MacDonald's Travis Magee: "I'm taking my retirement in installments." Magee was explaining his dedication to fishing & other fun stuff, but even for those of us who don't require frequent getaways, Magee's philosophy is probably more applicable today than we realize.
If you're under 55, it's a good bet that you won't be able to retire at age 65, unlike your parents. There are several reasons for this. First, there's a chance that the official retirement age for social security might be raised to 68 or 70. Second, workplace pensions are becoming less common than they were several decades ago, so many young workers will have to rely on their own savings or IRAs plus social security. Finally, it's just plain harder to save now, period. Many younger Boomers, Gen Xers and Millenials will likely need to work into their late 60s -70s.
Another possibility, one I haven't seen discussed much, is that members of younger generations may not live as long as their parents. Even those who do everything "right" - don't smoke, exercise, stick to a healthy diet - still need access to affordable health care. Without this, conditions that are treatable may go undiagnosed.
If there were a book about this, it would be called Not Your Parents' Retirement. This isn't something to stress about; after all, throughout most of human history, people have performed some sort of work in their families, clans or communities until the day they died. It simply means that each of us needs to stop postponing activities that give us joy or fulfill our purpose in life.
There are a lot of ways to take retirement in installments, depending on your situation and how much you're working now. Here are a few:
If you're under 55, it's a good bet that you won't be able to retire at age 65, unlike your parents. There are several reasons for this. First, there's a chance that the official retirement age for social security might be raised to 68 or 70. Second, workplace pensions are becoming less common than they were several decades ago, so many young workers will have to rely on their own savings or IRAs plus social security. Finally, it's just plain harder to save now, period. Many younger Boomers, Gen Xers and Millenials will likely need to work into their late 60s -70s.
Another possibility, one I haven't seen discussed much, is that members of younger generations may not live as long as their parents. Even those who do everything "right" - don't smoke, exercise, stick to a healthy diet - still need access to affordable health care. Without this, conditions that are treatable may go undiagnosed.
If there were a book about this, it would be called Not Your Parents' Retirement. This isn't something to stress about; after all, throughout most of human history, people have performed some sort of work in their families, clans or communities until the day they died. It simply means that each of us needs to stop postponing activities that give us joy or fulfill our purpose in life.
There are a lot of ways to take retirement in installments, depending on your situation and how much you're working now. Here are a few:
- Limit the amount of overtime you're willing to do. With some employers there may not be a choice. However, in the places I've worked, I've noticed that people who set boundaries at the beginning are less likely to get pressed to do OT than those who don't.
- Take your allotted vacation time. Most Americans don't.
- Set aside one of your weekly days off for working on your projects and passions, spending time with family and friends, taking a brief getaway or just resting. Take care of tedious chores the evening before so that you're free on your special day.
- Above all, if you have a strong sense of life purpose or mission, take it seriously. This is especially true if your purpose and your day job seem completely unconnected or if you must do your most meaningful work "after hours." Give it the respect it deserves. Once you're clear about priorities, it's amazing how much easier scheduling decisions become.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
For Something New, Try Something Old - A Letter
During the past month or so, circumstances were making me feel somewhat disconnected from people and activities important to me. Work pulled me away from gatherings, friends seemed to be dropping off the face of the earth, and my book group disbanded. It seemed as though everyone was struggling just to stay afloat at work & at home; we just couldn't make time to get together. A few especially inundated friends didn't even have time to check personal email.
Twenty-five years ago, I'd write letters (on paper!) to friends I missed or wanted to catch up, and counted myself fortunate when I received 2-3 letters a week in return. Now I wonder what's happened whenever a FB friend doesn't post something daily. The snail mail letters were a treat, something to anticipate upon coming home after a long day of work. I don't feel the same way about email or social media, even when I use it to chat with friends rather than for business.
I realized that one way to thank friends for their friendship, offer support during hard times and share things we'd both enjoy would be to start sending letters again. Unlike during my teens & 20s, the ability to send email for mundane purposes means that letter writing can be saved for special circumstances. Also, the fact that so few of us get anything in our mailboxes anymore apart from junk mail means that a letter in an envelope addressed in handwriting will stand out.
Out of curiosity I did web research on the general state of letter writing in 2011, and found several organizations that link writers up with pen pals. Email is an option but many participants prefer postal mail and - surprisingly, to me - not all of them are my age & older. One of them reports a recent resurgence in membership, perhaps reflecting a renewed interest in the lost art of letter-writing.
I then looked through the library's catalog for materials on letter-writing and found several recent (within the last 5 years) how-to books that covered various social and business situations as well as simple friendship letters. In one of them New York designer Kate Spade wrote in her 2004 book Manners that she didn't bother with a cell phone or at-home email until she had a child in day care, and that she still prefers letters to email. And a host of online mail order businesses offer quality paper, pens and even ink for those who like to use fountain pens.
So. The art of letter-writing isn't dead after all. It's just sort of gone underground, like other "retro" activities such as cocktail parties. I'll add my small effort to the revival by digging out my old Cross pen, finding a decent piece of paper and writing to someone this week.
Twenty-five years ago, I'd write letters (on paper!) to friends I missed or wanted to catch up, and counted myself fortunate when I received 2-3 letters a week in return. Now I wonder what's happened whenever a FB friend doesn't post something daily. The snail mail letters were a treat, something to anticipate upon coming home after a long day of work. I don't feel the same way about email or social media, even when I use it to chat with friends rather than for business.
I realized that one way to thank friends for their friendship, offer support during hard times and share things we'd both enjoy would be to start sending letters again. Unlike during my teens & 20s, the ability to send email for mundane purposes means that letter writing can be saved for special circumstances. Also, the fact that so few of us get anything in our mailboxes anymore apart from junk mail means that a letter in an envelope addressed in handwriting will stand out.
Out of curiosity I did web research on the general state of letter writing in 2011, and found several organizations that link writers up with pen pals. Email is an option but many participants prefer postal mail and - surprisingly, to me - not all of them are my age & older. One of them reports a recent resurgence in membership, perhaps reflecting a renewed interest in the lost art of letter-writing.
I then looked through the library's catalog for materials on letter-writing and found several recent (within the last 5 years) how-to books that covered various social and business situations as well as simple friendship letters. In one of them New York designer Kate Spade wrote in her 2004 book Manners that she didn't bother with a cell phone or at-home email until she had a child in day care, and that she still prefers letters to email. And a host of online mail order businesses offer quality paper, pens and even ink for those who like to use fountain pens.
So. The art of letter-writing isn't dead after all. It's just sort of gone underground, like other "retro" activities such as cocktail parties. I'll add my small effort to the revival by digging out my old Cross pen, finding a decent piece of paper and writing to someone this week.
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