Slow Food

Ten years ago, when my husband and I were both staff assistants in the schools and had two kids at home, we always ate at home out of necessity; there wasn't any money for eating out. At that time the cultural gold standard for parenting was the Minivan Mom - she was so busy shuttling her kids to various enrichment activities that she didn't have time to cook. And if she was really on top, she did the shuttling in a state-of-the-art SUV equipped with all the latest conveniences. Surrounded by "at home" moms who were never at home, I always felt decidedly unhip whenever I drove my son home in our Honda Civic and popped potatoes in the oven.

It takes hard times to bring back "real" food. Now that people need to economize, there's a renewed interest in growing and making our own food. The Slow Food movement, which began in the early 1990s, is speeding up.

Slow food:

• Uses as little packaging or processed food as possible.
• Is prepared mindfully, enjoying the cooking process itself.
• Is eaten sitting down.
• As often as possible, is enjoyed in the company of others.

Years ago I read of a university study which showed that the greatest predictor of a child's success and happiness in school is connected not to the number of extracurricular activities he does but to how often the family eats dinner together.

I don't feel like such a geek-mom now.

Life in the Slow Lane #1

How often during the past week has someone asked you, "How's it going?" And how many of those times did you reply, "Crazy busy!" or something like it?

Me too. Funny thing is, sometimes I say it even if it's not particularly true. So do other people (I've asked). Why? What would happen if I said, "Great - we're all having a laid-back summer this year," or "I've been stopping to smell the roses a lot" instead?

Our culture has its share of commonly held myths, one of them being Busyness is Virtuous. If someone isn't busy, she's a) Not doing her share of work, b) Is fundamentally lazy, c) Isn't reaching her potential or d) All of the above. Families that aren't crazy-busy are suspected of raising underachieving kids.

Some years ago I realized that living the crazy-busy life didn't feel right; in fact, for me it was sort of depressing. And it seemed to me that certain friends didn't appear to be enjoying it either. I decided to give up several activities, carve out a few "empty" blocks of time during the week, and halt new involvements for awhile.

The hardest thing, however, was deciding to tell the truth about it. If someone asked me to sit on a committee, instead of saying "I can't because (fill in fib), I'd say "Not this time. I've decided to spend more time at home." There's a big difference between "I can't," which makes you sound powerless, and "I choose not to." It's true that "I can't" will automatically excuse you if your reason is plausible. "I choose not to" may get you dirty looks.

But taking responsibility for your own preferences and needs gets easier the more you practice it. The bonus is that the things you do say "yes" to receive your full attention.

Busyness (even pointless busyness, the kind that generates resentment and fatigue) is still the quickest route to approval. But I see a growing number of people exiting the fast lane. Soon it won't be an outside-the-lines choice anymore.

The Good Times Are Killing Me

Maybe each of us feels out of sync with everyone else at some point in our lives. For me, it's often during summer. It sometimes seems as though the entire known universe is on vacation, everyone else just loves the 23 hours of daylight, and leaping from one good time to another without pausing for breath is normal. Until I started asking around, I didn't realize that a few other people also breathe a sigh of relief when Labor Day weekend's over and autumn things down.

If you're one of those oddities who prefers winter to summer, doesn't mind long nights or secretly enjoys having a quiet weekend at home once in awhile, this is for you. Or maybe you like the idea of summer fun but don't get much of it because your job heats up (park rangers, child care workers, waitstaff at sidewalk cafes) or you're an at-home parent. Or you could be one of those people with reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder, who get depressed during times of blazing heat and brightness. Or your neighborhood gets so noisy that you don't fall asleep till 4 a.m. Whichever describes you, there are ways to finesse summer, all of which involve discovering what bugs you, and preparing for it.

• If heat, light or noise are the problem, make sure that your bedroom curtains are thick and dark enough to block out light. If you don't have young kids, use ear plugs. If you need to hear unusual noises, use a white noise player to block outdoor noise - you'll still be able to hear a child crying or your dog barking inside the house.
• Try cutting down on caffeine if you already feel somewhat jittery from too much light or too little sleep. At a certain point of fatigue, caffeine won't help.
• If hyperactive schedules are the problem, meet with other family members before summer starts and decide what you can and can't do. If a lot of summer-type events are coming up - graduations, weddings, reunions, campouts - confer with your partner and decide on which ones are a "must," which could be attended by only one of you, and which ones you'll pass.
  
• If most of your family and friends have summers off or a lot of vacation time and you don't, send out a group email message (May is good) reminding everyone that you won't be able to take time off for everything. I've done this for 3-4 years, and it's been very effective in preventing hurt feelings over missed gatherings.
• Block off a weekend (or whatever your days off) once a month for Chill Time. Put away the mobile phone, laptop and crackberry. Have conversations with your partner, kids and really good friends; read books or magazines; watch the sunset instead of TV, and putter aimlessly.
  
• Try your best to begin and end the day with 15 minutes of solitude and silence. During summer you can sit in a deserted corner of your yard - or if everyone's outside, find an indoor spot.
• If you've always been extremely sensitive to outside stimuli or others' emotional vibes, read anything by Dr. Judith Orloff. She's both a physician and an intuitive who writes for people she calls "empaths," people who pick up on stimuli and impressions so easily that they often feel bombarded.
  

If you're able to make space for peace periodically, you'll be able to rejoin the summer-long party in good spirits. You won't feel like the good times are killing you.

Counteracting Meanness

This past fall our 18-year old weathered some pretty nasty "stuff" at school. As is the case with a lot of kids who end up at the receiving end of rumoring, one of the root issues was differentness. Even half a year after the incident, he was still getting mean-spirited messages from the one of the students who started the rumor. It's been challenging for me to convince him that responding in kind isn't cool; if I were in his place, I would have been tempted to snipe back as well.

Since that time I've been thinking about people who do mean things: what makes them tick? Are there ways to disarm them? What can you do if someone seems to have a burr in his saddle about you, and you can't totally avoid them (as with kids at school)? Is there anything adults can do to stop the spread of toxic sludge like gossip campaigns on social network sites? Above all, is there a way to teach kids how to deflect bullying without turning into mean people themselves?

While researching I came upon this piece by Martha Beck, life coach and author:
http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Martha-Beck-Why-People-Are-Mean

The article gives some useful tools for anyone who encounters mean behavior. I've also experimented with a few tactics:

• Make a list of people you admire who've encountered harassment, bullying or other unfairness but have come through with their spirits intact. The list can include public figures (Oprah's on mine) but the focus should be on personal acquaintances. When I did this, I was amazed at how many of the best people I know were targets of mean behavior at some point in their lives. They didn't let it define them. You don't have to, either.
• If you're having a hard time letting go of particular memories - my son had nightmares for several months - try reframing the way you tell the story to yourself. Old myths and fairy tales can give you some ideas: I particularly liked "Scar Clan" from Women Who run With the Wolves.
• After it's all over and you're processing what happened, approach the problem like a scientific investigator or anthropologist studying a strange new species: who is this person and why do you think she's doing this to you?

People who live outside the lines are sometimes hassles by those who are threatened by differences, but one instance at a time, we can change how our society deals (or doesn't deal) with this. In doing so, maybe we can even raise the behavioral bar for everyone.